Ongoing post, Update day to day life XII, June 1st 2019 - December 18th 2019

General updates about day to day life

December 18th 2019 

Sad news; the wonderful Professor Dr Tony Chu, dermatologist extraordinaire, is retiring. I first saw him back in 2005, with the help of the wonderful Peter Waters who took me there when I was at my wits end. Had been flushing and burning 24/7 at that point for almost a year, after a really bad IPL treatment. I had seen several dermatologists in different Dutch hospitals by then, as well as GP's and emergency weekend doctors, yet nobody knew what to do with my violent and very painful flushing problem. I would look beet red most of the time and be on fire, stuck to a ventilator and cold packs. It was Dr Chu who suggested I'd try a combo of anti-flushing medication. He said that my desperate plans for more IPL or laser would best be delayed. That the flushing cycle first had to be interrupted. He was right; taking clonidine, propranolol and low dose mirtazapine did put the breaks on the horrible flushing tsunami. I always said it cut down about 60, maybe 70% of them, as long as I stay away from my triggers and literally keep my cool. It was enough to start some sort of normal life again. I continued to see Prof Chu once yearly and then twice yearly eventually. I would have loved to see him twice yearly actually, but the cost of travelling to London and staying there, on top of the consultation costs for private outbound patients, made that impossible for me. Nevertheless he was always consulted during difficult skin times and gave valuable advise always. I still use the same medication he prescribed me back then, and still use his wonderful medical letters when I see other doctors. Even during travelling I carry one, so that I can bring coldpacks along on the plane.

Very sorry to now hear that he is retiring. I am worried a bit too, because I am only halfway through life (if all goes well that is) and still facing so many potential skin emergencies. I know only one other dermatologist who knows a lot about rosacea, and he is at that age of possible retirement soon too. Every other derm I have seen over the years (dozens in total) knew nothing about facial flushing and burning :( How often I have been told to try oral antibiotics again.. I heard from Gina that a lady called Sue May Ang is taking over from Dr Chu however, and that she has been trained and instructed by him. So my hope now is that she will know a lot about subtype 1 rosacea also. Perhaps she is even in touch with her mentor and can contact Prof. Chu in case of doubt. Or in case of very 'difficult cases'? That's my only hope then. I am planning to see her at some point. I just wished I had booked a (last) appointment with him this year. I realized too late about the retirement. Either way, THANK YOU Dr Chu for decades of dedicated care for not only rosacea patients but also those with bad acne and other skin problems. I know many people from The Rosacea Forum went to see you and most have been very happy with your in-depth knowledge, kindness and progressive approach when it comes to treating rosacea.

December 17th 2019

I watched this movie called Marriage Story. It has good actors, that Scarlet Johansson and Adam Driver, and it's basically about two artistic (truly privileged) self centered people getting a divorce. It seems to aim to be a 21st century update of Kramer Versus Kramer and I also think it tried to compete with the infinitely more brilliant Ingmar Bergman movie Scenes from a Marriage.

      

I think this Marriage Story was well acted and had great extra's also but it was all in all a bit shallow perhaps. No great depth to the characters or their motives or the conversations. Very modern day, thus... But really good acting and it was also enjoyable even to see Laura Dern combat with Ray Liotta in the court room, both were delicious vile lawyers. But it never becomes very clear why these two really divorced. Johansson tried to make it known through ongoing repeating that he never really 'saw' her for who she was, never did whatever she requested from him. But then again she behaves like such a self centered, navel-staring nightmare herself, dragging her child to the other side of the United States and I won't spoiler everything else she does, but it comes down to two very self absorbed adults behaving like youngsters. I felt more sympathy for Him, simply because She was more insufferable. Best parts about the movie I'd say where the opening, the parts with Laura Dern (especially her explanation for why mothers in our Judeo-Christian culture are more harshly judged than fathers was great) and when Adam Driver starts to sing.    

Joker 
I also went to see 'Joker' by the way. It caused a storm of SJWs to protest, so I had to go see it for myself. See what all the fuss was about. As so often, a whole lot of ado about nothing, in the sense that it was a great movie I thought, and some reviewers' whining about 'unnecessary violence' was... just that; unnecessary whining. Wow, what a movie experience. I don't know a whole lot about the Joker character and his brand of nihilism, aside from the bare basics and having also seen dark Knight in the past, but think that I am 'getting' that he is some eternal adversary in popular culture. But this film went way beyond mere comic book homage. I liked it a lot, even though it was kind of... bleak. Almost the entire movie is watching life beat the mortal shit out of this guy. You do feel bad for him, which is what some people were protesting also. That we shouldn't humanize an evil archetype. That creating sympathy for the man does on some level serve to normalize or rationalize what he becomes, they say. Fuck that, this movie is about so much more than the Joker character. Joker is a terrorist, a kidnapper, a thief on a grand scale. He murders, and is generally considered to be the arch-nemesis of Batman. But I think this is a powerful non-PC movie about the way society deals with its less fortunate citizens, which is brutally. I also thought that it was a fantastic character study that speaks to the viewer in lots of ways, though the film itself is set in the 1980's. It focuses on the damaged ones and the callousness of our culture. Social anomie, and the way in which anger and (societal) abuse can give rise to the destruction of the mind and soul. I couldn't keep my eyes off of Joaquin Phoenix to be honest, such gripping acting. Phoenix is a phenomenal actor, superb, and it's rare (for me) to see such dark yet on point character studies in movies these days. It was a breath of fresh air. Joaquin Phoenix was the charismatic center. He shined brighter than anyone else would have in this role. I may have found the movie as a whole too dark and depressing with any other actor in the lead role (although someone like Thomas Hardy or Cillian Murphy may have done an equally thrilling job). As a friend pointed me to: it was beautifully written and filmed, especially when you consider the guy who made this movie is both the writer/director of Old School and Due Date, as well as the first director and creative influence behind Borat. Seriously, that is the guy that made the Joker.

Some New York Times reviewer branded it a film on race and racism and blabbered about how if Joker had been black he wouldn't have "gotten away" with what he did. Seemed an obsessed race-seer to me, and totally besides the point of this movie, which to me was much more about what happens when cultural nihilism takes over a society, and strips value out of a culture. When only consumerism matters, creating a haves and have-not's situation, and how some people are then going to end up at the bottom. Isolated from everything and with no-one caring. That seems (?) to sum up America very well. The whole 20th century idea of consumerism. I was reveling in the movie tbh, just like the dark characters tend to appeal most to me anyway. If you aren't watching the tv series Peaky Blinders yet, there is another great protagonist with very dark edges. Also a great actor. I saw these excellent videos on the Joker movie, going into the psychological problem the Joker has. VERY good and simple straight forward analysis. I know such empty people... craving to be seen.

    

July 29th 2019

Had a rough week. Busy with friends and their kids, and then on Wednesday I contracted lymphangitis :( The friends had left the window open accidentally, so Piotr the cat escaped in the evening. When I got back to the house around midnight with one of the kids, I tried to get Piotr the cat, but while I tried to pick him up while he was already agitated (yeh, not wise of me) he was spooked by the kid coming up to him and as I was still holding him tight, he bit me really hard and deep in the arm. Not Piotrs fault but my own for not letting go of him, despite his hissing and wriggling and other signals. I didn't think much of it initially, rinsed some chlorhexidine on it, then later some antibiotic cream on the little bite mark and left it at that. The next morning, I saw that a red raised area had appeared around the bite mark. And within hours the redness started to spread and widen out. I decided to go to the GP with it after reading online that cat bites can cause infections sometimes, due to their sharp hooked teeth easily trapping bacteria deep in the arm. The GP was friendly, said he thought it was just some impact inflammation and that all would be fine. But he prescribed me some Augmentin antibiotics just in case the redness would spread further.

Within 24 hours I got a roaring infection. The redness got worse every hour it seemed and red streaks were forming all over my underarm. The next day I went back to the doctor, just to be sure as it spread so quickly. he said ai... yes that is infected. Lymphangitis; the lymph vessels in the arm had been infected with bacteria as well as the soft tissue around the small puncture wound and that's why it was spreading so quickly. In 24 hours or so my whole underarm was getting red in streaks and filling in more and more. Anyway, no worries, he would give me an additional antibiotic to take with the Augmentin, called pristinamycin, and said I should to to the ER in hospital once I got a fever. I lost my sister to sepsis so I was pretty worried and on high alert by then. Asked the doctor about sepsis risk with this lymphangitis thing and he said that yes that could be a complication of it, but that I would get a fever then. If the redness would spread further upward on the arm I had to go to the ER myself (it was Friday by then so the doctors office was closed over the weekend). Of course, it was just my luck that that night the redness spread even more and I had a temperature so we went to the hospital Friday night late, just to be sure. I was feeling sick in general by then, nauseous, brain fog, headache, well you never know how much of that was due to me worrying of course :)

The ER waiting room was full with families with children, elderly, people with head wounds. I had to wait an hour or so and was then seen myself. The emergency doctor said it was a pretty bad infection and that I most likely needed to get my arm cut open to have all the infection cleaned out or cut out. Or else it could turn into sepsis. I was taking the right antibiotics and penicillin already however she said, the GP did a good job there. I needed to come back to the ER at 9 AM on Saturday morning for this thing and then they would see what had to be done. Of course by then I started to freak out and started to wonder if I could get sepsis overnight, while sleeping and waiting for the 9 AM appointment.. In hindsight it is easy to think of myself as a bit silly with my hypochondriac tendencies, but I was honestly already passing round my head what the chances would be for me to have a case of resistant bacteria perhaps and die? I had been taking these very strong antibiotics and penicillin at the highest dose (6000 mg a day) for the past 36 hours already, so how come the redness had kept spreading so quickly, instead of it stagnating?? It was frightening. I am a bit of a control freak anyway when it comes to my health, so to literally see this swollen redness spread before your eyes was not easy. I didn't even dare to really sleep very deeply and kept checking every hour with the alarm clock if the redness had already gone to my upper arm and arm pit.

So the next morning I went back to the ER again at 9 AM but was told there that it was a night of carnage there with some serious injuries so I could be seen a little bit later. It didn't take too long though. Then was prepared by a nurse who gave me an IV thing in my hand (painful, I don't think she put it in very well, it seemed to crush a nerve), and they took off blood samples. Two ER doctors then visited (handsome both!) and they looked at the arm and said yeh that's a complication of that cat bite, confirmed it is lymphangitis. The night ER doctor had last night discussed it with the specialist at work last night when I first went there, and said it needs to be surgically cleaned in the morning. But she made photos too and between midnight and 10:30 AM which is when these doctors saw me again, it had spread only about 10% further and seemed to have slowed down a bit. And I had a 38.5 high(er) temperature when I went to the ER the night before, while now gone down to 37.8 which they saw as a reassurance, as I hadn't been taking anything that reduced fever. No aspirin or NSAID medication or anything like that. So they wanted to see if these antibiotics/penicillin cocktail, at the highest dose may have finally started to kick in now.  They said it was broad spectrum, so whatever bacteria caused this should be covered. They thought there is still a chance that the antibiotics could work but had been slow working for me for some reason. So I had to continue the meds and they also wrapped my arm in tissue soaked in medical alcohol, and I had to replace them regularly. That should help extract some toxins from the outside of the skin. Blood work was ok, there were no bacteria in the blood at that moment. Phew, relief. They said that if in a few days things weren't stabilizing or improving, and as soon as I got a fever or once the red streaks that now reached my arm pit would go any further upwards on my upper arm, I had to come back to the ER and then they needed to start IV antibiotics and cut and clean the area surgically. But that gives new possibilities for more infection from the wound, especially with my auto-immune problems and new inflammation created then.

So that was Saturday and by now, two days later, the redness is starting to reduce for sure. Phew, happy with that. My rosacea is also not too bad, I am a bit more flushy but nothing dramatic, despite the medication or spending 6 hrs in a hot stuffy hospital without fan or airconditioning.. Crazy stuff this though, all that from a cat bite.. The drs said, in some ways cat bites are more dangerous than dog bites. Dogs do more damage as they tear skin, but those wounds are more superficial and easier to clean and disinfect. Cat fangs carry bacteria and they are hooked and deposit those bacteria deep into the soft tissue, and then the blood often quickly seals it off again so you won't rinse it out as easy. With higher risk of these type of infections coming up rapidly and spreading from benign to even life threatening sometimes if the lymph system or blood supply is affected. If this ever happens again the junior dr told me on Friday night, I need to rinse the wound aggressively with water (hard running) or a disinfected syringe and to flush out the wound deeply, then letting it bleed a lot, then apply the disinfectant to it and then the most important thing to do she said, is to start immediately with preventive antibiotic pills. Before there is any sign of infection. Because then you stop it in its track. Hmm.. You need to have the antibiotics in the house already then I suppose, because waiting 8 hrs overnight for a doctor in my case was already problematic. It seemed just a harmless little puncture wound but within 8 hours the redness was spreading and spreading, then my underarm seemed infected for 2/3 or something. All within 2 days :/ I thought for a moment that my dear cat Piotr could have killed me haha. So that was a bit of a scare.

Lymphangitis

"If antibiotics are given without delay, the infection, inflammation, and redness will usually clear up within a few days. However if left untreated, the same bacteria that infected the lymphatic system can spread to the bloodstream. From there the infection can invade nearly any organ in the body. This widespread, systemic bacterial infection can quickly overwhelm the body's defenses and cause sepsis. Sepsis can be life-threatening. Lymphangitis can spread very quickly. In less than a day, it can become a medical emergency. If the red streaks begin to spread and once red streaks are seen leading away from the site of the broken skin or abscess, the condition is becoming serious and should be seen by a medical provider as soon as possible."

While back home and reassured, I googled a bit about cat bites and found some information about cases where non-treated cat bites like the type I got, does lead to death. Here and here for instance. And this article states that one-third of cat bite victims end up in the hospital. "A study published in the February issue of The Journal of Hand Surgery showed that 30 percent of patients who had a cat bite on hand ended up staying in a hospital for more than three days on average. The dogs' teeth are blunter, so they don't tend to penetrate as deeply and they tend to leave a larger wound after they bite," senior study author Dr. Brian Carlsen, a Mayo Clinic plastic surgeon and orthopedic hand surgeon, said in a press release. "The cats' teeth are sharp and they can penetrate very deeply, they can seed bacteria in the joint and tendon sheaths. The researchers identified 193 patients who had went to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minn. over the course of three years due to cat bites. Fifty-seven of them had to be admitted to the facilities, with an average stay of 3.2 days. Out of the patients who had to take a hospital bed because a cat gnawed on them, 67 percent needed cleaning and removal of dead, damaged or infected tissue. Eight of the patients needed more than one operation. Other injuries including erythema, a redness or rash on the skin due to damage to deeper skin layers, and swelling were linked to a higher chance of needing a hospital stay. Complications were also common in these cases, especially for those who were bit over a joint like the wrist or a tendon sheath. People who were smokers and had immune system problems were also more prone to having additional issues from a cat bite. "It can be just a pinpoint bite mark that can cause a real problem, because the bacteria get into the tendon sheath or into the joint where they can grow with relative protection from the blood and immune system," Carlsen said. “It takes only a very superficial bite,” said Carlsen. “So, if you have symptoms, don’t ignore them.”

And here it is stated that: "There are various organisms that can be contracted from cat bites." "The most common are the same bacteria found in any skin infection: staphylococci and streptococci. These normally cause a cellulitis or superficial skin infection with symptoms of redness, pain, and puss in the wound. However, there are bacteria that are specific to cat bites, as well, and these can be serious, too. One of these is pasturalla, which can cause a superficial skin infection but can spread to the joints. Capnocytophaga is another and this bacteria can lead to an infection of the internal organs." "If any of these infections are left untreated they certainly can spread to the blood stream causing sepsis, organ damage and even death," said Torvinen. "Cat bites often show signs of infection very quickly — within the first three to 12 hours — so patients will want to check the wound frequently and seek medical attention early if redness or increased pain develops." Care Right After a Cat Bite - Because cat bites — and even scratches — can become serious, it is important to treat a wound immediately after a bite by stopping the bleeding, according to Torvinen. This can be done by applying pressure to a wound to help to get the blood to clot. The next step is to assess the extent of the wound and to make a decision about follow-up care. "If the wound is very large, such as 2 inches or greater in length, deep enough to see fat or muscle through the wound, the edges are not together, or it does not stop bleeding easily you should seek medical attention immediately," said Torvinen. "In some cases, bites or scratches require stitches." If the wound does stop bleeding and is not too large in size, following-up with normal wound care treatment is a next course of action, she recommended. This includes washing the wound out with plenty of water and then cleaning it with a gentle soap, alcohol solution or even a commercial wound wash. "This is the most important step in preventing infection," said Torvinen. "A bandage with triple antibiotic ointment should be placed over the wound to keep external bacteria out and the wound should be monitored daily for signs of infection." "The statistics show about 37 percent of moderate cat bites become infected," she said. "On average, I see five to 10 bites per year from various types of animals," she said."

And below the article were many patient testimonials. I selected a couple: 

Cat sitting

"I was cat sitting for my sister while she was on an extended vacation. She had taken my dog last summer while I was on vacation. The cat and dog did great together. To make a long story short, I was holding the cat when my dog put her nose in the cats butt. I am sure you all can guess the outcome of that. I was the loser. I was bitten in my left hand and knuckle with scratches across my face, arm, hand, chest and thigh. I was told by a co-worker that a cat bite can be dangerous and I should be seen by a Doctor. I went to the Urgent Care and was seen. I was sent home with antibiotics and was told if the bite started to swell, got red or hurt to go right to the ER. The Urgent Care Doctor said I would probably have “Cat Scratch Fever”. I had to giggle, thinking that was a Ted Nugent song. Boy was I wrong. Not only did I have a fever but the pain, redness and swelling started in less than 6 hours after being bitten. Feeling really stupid for going to the ER for a cat bite, off I went. Once there they put me into a room and started an IV of high dose antibiotics. From the time I was bitten to the time I was in the ER the red streaks had traveled past my wrist. After 4 hours in the ER, I had to be admitted for IV meds every 6 hours until this bite cleared. On the 3rd day of IV antibiotics given every 6 hours the infection was not clearing and a hand surgeon was brought in. The bite had penetrated the sheath of my knuckle. Surgery was the only way to clean the infection. It was done as an emergency basis due to how fast the infection was spreading into my hand and wrist. The surgeon had to clean out the knuckle and bite marks and put in a drain. My hand started to look and feel better. I was still kept for a 4th day due to the IV meds and pain management. 4 days in the hospital plus another week off work due the an open ” wound” where the drain was put in. A week later the drain came out and my hand started to feel better with less swelling. I am now back to work, but still have a little pain in my hand while typing. The hand surgeon said this could take up to 4-6 weeks to heal. Moral of the story~ Have ALL bites checked out !!! It could be a life or death situation. Or just stay away from cats."

This could have been written about me - "Trying to get a feral cat out of my garage basement, I got bit. Went to the clinic first thing next morning, and got oral penicillin and an appointment next day to see a hand surgeon. By the time I got in to see the doctor, my hand was like the Pink Floyd song – a balloon. I was immediately admitted to the hospital and put on IV antibiotics for the next four days, with surgery on the third day. I was extremely lucky, as the bite was in the meaty part of my hand, next to the thumb. No joints or tendons were involved."

Serious cat bite

"A month ago, my Siamese was sleeping on my lap, the kitten at my side. All was well for about 15 minutes when the Siamese launched herself at the kitten. I put my hand out to stop her and she bit right through the finger pad on my left middle finger. We squeezed it, ran it under water and put betadine on it. Next morning I went to get oral antibiotics as it was throbbing, within three hours of taking them my finger had swollen to the second knuckle and I went back to the doctor who admitted me for Intravenous antibiotics. Next morning it had tracked into my hand and I was taken for surgery as the area where she bit through had gone black. In total I had 4 surgeries, 2 procedures with morphine in the ward ( pretty gross) a week with a vacuum suction on my finger and a skin graft. I was in hospital for 3 weeks. I had the dressings off today and I need occupational therapy and a special protective dressing for my finger, oh and I still can’t bend the middle joint. So my advice to anyone with a cat bite, go straight away to hospital for treatment, I would hate anyone to go through this and I had it attended to within 12 hours of the bite. As a footnote, they grew Pasteurella Multoceda."

I also wondered while in the ER what all those people in the waiting room may be there for... What would be the top reasons to visit the ER? I assumed number 1 being trauma from accidents or violence or something like that, severe accidents. Then 2nd maybe broken bones and limbs. 3rd perhaps pneumonia or asthma or other respiratory infections. Skin infections would then probably not be all too common in the ER. These are the actual the top 10 most common ER visits:

1. Chest pain

2. Stroke symptoms

3. Trauma
A bad car accident, a fight that escalates, a fall, and more can all lead to traumatic injuries that require a 911 call and an ambulance trip to the ER. With a traumatic brain injury, vomiting, speech difficulty, and unresponsiveness are some of the most common symptoms.

4. Sinus infection
While a sinus infection seems simple, it can actually lead to something more serious that might require an ER visit. A bad cough can accompany a sinus infection, and if it’s not properly treated, it can turn into pneumonia. Plus, it’s not always easy to diagnose a sinus infection, so those who go to the ER for it might think it is something worse.

5. Breathing difficulties
An asthma attack, allergic reaction, heart attack, and more can all cause troubled breathing.

6. Back pain

7. Injuries and accidents
Anything from spraining an ankle during a basketball game to getting a concussion or breaking a leg in a car accident would fall into this category.

8. Abdominal pain
Abdominal pain that sends you to the ER might be appendicitis, a gallbladder infection, a hernia, or other serious problems affecting the stomach.

9. Infections
Infections encompass many things, from a urinary tract infection to a sexually transmitted disease to a skin rash.

10. Lacerations
Any kind of cut, wound, or puncture is the number 10 reason for yearly visits to the ER. Whether it’s slicing your finger instead of slicing the veggies or falling and getting a more serious puncture, lacerations are a big reason why adults and children alike end up visiting the ER during the year.

But this site has other statistics again.
1.     Headaches
The number one and the most common ER visit is due to headaches. They are the most common ailments amongst people and it stands to reason that headaches are the most common reason for a person to visit the ER.

2. Foreign Objects in the Body
Emergency room centers all over the world report that one of the most common ER visits is due to foreign objects inside the body. There aren’t any stats regarding the number of doctors that have to deal with foreign objects but a recent analysis has shown that there are roughly 1,500 deaths per year due to foreign object problems.

3. Skin Infections
Skin infections can cause abnormal reactions in the body and in the majority of cases they require urgent emergency care. A skin infection can also bring on other symptoms and can spread rapidly over the body in severe cases. Symptoms may include:
Nerve damage
Muscle weakness
Lesions on the body
Rashes and blisters

4. Back Pain
Another increasing reason for visiting the ER is due to back related issues. Back pains or muscle strains in the back can be due to an accident or physical injuries while playing sports or by lifting heavy things. It was regarded as the number one reason for visiting the ER in the past, but the number has declined in recent years.

5. Contusions and Cuts
Cuts and contusions are one of the most common reasons why people visit the ER. They can occur through any activity and often require urgent emergency attention. The majority of cuts and contusions are due to accidents with a glass or a knife and in case of severe bleeding, a trip to the ER becomes necessary.

6. Upper Respiratory Infections
Infections and viruses are another common cause of people visiting the ER. The flu and common cold are fairly widespread diseases and unlike other illnesses, may require emergency treatment in severe cases.

7. Broken Bones and Sprains
Broken bones and sprains are a common occurrence that can happen to any individual regardless of their age or condition. They can be caused due to accidents or twisting an area of the body while playing sports or other physical activities. Not all sprains require ER treatment although broken bones need to be looked at immediately, particularly if they pose a risk to other organs. Some key ways to determine if the injury needs medical attention are:
Discoloration
Swelling
Visible bone

8. Toothaches
Most people will not relate tooth-related issues with the ER, but an increasing number of people are pursuing emergency treatments when dentist offices are closed. The majority of patients report abscesses, and gum tissues problems.

9. Abdominal Pains
Around 2000 people visit the ER every single day due to abdominal pains. Most likely, bacterial and viral infections are the cause of abdominal pains. The culprit of abdominal pains can be a factor to several different diagnoses.
Food Poisoining/Allergies
Kidney Stones
Stomach Virus
Appendicitis
Ulcers
Irritable Bowel Syndrome

10. Chest Pains
Chest pains are one of the most common reasons why people visit the ER. Cardiac arrest situations are common in the ER and although chest pain visits are declining in recent years, still nearly half a million people die each year due to heart complications.

I'm also a bit into Spanish music at the moment after binge watching a great Spanish TV series called The Pier (Le Embarcadero in Spanish) 

It has 'The Professor' from that other Spanish TV series I wrote about before, La Casa de Papel and that actor is truly great. I love his smoldering looks and good acting. So there have been several good Spanish TV series made lately, all directed by Álex Pina. This one is too. Nice. Unfortunately trailers these days reveal way too much about the plot of the series, I liked going in without knowing anything, but here it is anyway for those curious for the series but not planning to watch it necessarily:

    

Songs of the day

   

        

July 21st 2019

Ugh its been just unpleasant the past months basically. The warm weather with alternating high humidity or very low humidity all pose their own challenges for my skin and face flushing and burning. It likes medium humidity and temperatures between 10 and 18 degrees best and above that temperature the burning is really triggered. And with the recent five summers all having broken warmth records here and mostly everywhere, summer is becoming more and more unpleasant. I run the airconditioning in the house if needed (which is often) and have ventilators to keep my skin calm. When I go out to meet people I have to insist on sitting in the shade and trying to avoid cakes and chocolates and all that stuff I like so much but that make the flushing even worse. Shopping and geese feeding are done at the cooler times of day. Its just a shitty time of year basically. I haven't been feeling very good either, not very productive. All round deflated and low on energy. Its been hard to motivate myself to work as normal, and I didn't even feel particularly motivated to finish watching TV series I started. Just meh.. Have a week with friends and their kids planned next week so I hope that will be manageable with my reactive skin. Its basically neurogenic rosacea what I have, with active subtype 1 on top. Even when my skin looks normal to pink (well lets face it, it never looks normal pale unless I have cold air blasting on it), my skin always feels tight, tingling or mildly burning. And as soon as a flush starts or my skin goes more pink to red, then my face feels really hot, burning and sometimes almost on fire. That usually means; back to an airconditioning and a cold pack too. Due to the medication I've been taking for the past 13 years, the flushing has been really much better managed and I can function much better. But it's still far from normal and I wonder if my skin will ever just feel normal, non-present (the way it is supposed to feel; you don't think about it then). What helps me most are clonidine and mirtazapine (Remeron). The burning seems as hard to treat as the flushing, however. For the burning I used both plaquenil and gabapentin in the past. Gaba worked for 4 weeks for me, then made me flush terribly. Doc said that it can dilate blood vessels as a rare side effect to which my hyper-reactive and way too many blood vessels seem sensitive :( Plaquenil I tried on 3 different occasions and every time it made my eyes so extremely dry and painful that I couldn't go on. Saw an eye doc for it and seems I am too sensitive to that one as well. Oh, what luck. Remeron and clonidine are still doing a good job for me though and I take low dose propranolol too without any side-effects. Only the mirtazapine gives me side-effects unfortunately. Aside from wonderful sleep, disappearance of anxiety and better mood, it also causes weight gain. Which is a daily struggle for me, to keep that in check and to exercise and diet. I used to be able to eat a lot, my entire family is naturally skinny. I always ate more than my ex boyfriends and stayed slim, but due to this antidepressant, that is all a thing of the past. Its frustrating to suddenly have your digestion brought to a near standstill and I don't want to downplay this side effect. But other people I know who happen to take this same med do not necessarily have this eight gain problem. My dad takes it too coincidentally and hasn't gained an ounce. I wished I could find something as effective without the side effects but it is what it is and the pro's for me personally outweigh the cons. I read about people having IPL treatments and laser treatments but for me that is a passed station. I tried IPL several times and it made everything so much worse for me. Laser test patches didn't show any improvement either so I'm not risking it basically, despite the good patients results and reviews from others. Bleh, annoying to have to wait for the Next Big Break through. Which may take another few decades, at the rate we're going now.

A friend of mine suffers from the same burning skin due to rosacea; also got much worse after an IPL treatment that went wrong. He deals with friends who do not understand him and think that he stays inside to avoid being seen. That his problem is a psychological, a psychosomatic one. This is painful and insulting also because he tries to explain all the time that he is not hiding from public life due to how his skin may look. But because his skin (like mine and many like us) cannot handle heat, or many other triggers. We're not alone, one American friend of mine is housebound and doesn't even go out to pick up the post as its too hot outside... Another has her house full of airco's and fans and has it at 15 degrees Celsius and doesn't leave the house until November. I know many more stuck like us. Its so rare and so hard to see or understand from the outside, that some people just don't get it, especially not when they are not around you to actually to see the flare ups. How many times I have heard: "Oh the pinkness looks cute on you, just live your life." No that's not the problem... They clearly don't hear or read what I think I am trying to say all along.. Someone once wrote me: "Life is too short to spend it dwelling on redness. Also, why in the midst of the splendor of life would you wish to yield to the mental imprisonment that is insecurity. Yes, the world overwhelms us with images that we need to have the 'perfect skin' to be happy, I put this in quotes because there is no perfect skin, but that doesn't mean we have to give in to this." I understand it is very well meant advise, but it goes past the whole message I am trying to give in this blog; that people with this subtype of rosacea are not just obsessing over how it looks. But are struggling with physical pain that flares up at the slightest trigger. Would you tell someone with trigeminal neuralgia or other severe nerve damage that they just need to get over it and live their life to the fullest? To be told it is basically all in your head is not very uplifting and factually beside the objective truth. For me the first years that I dealt with this shit, my parents and sisters all thought that I had lost the plot. Ánd the GP doctor too by the way. Because I just had rosy cheeks. It didn't look painful, so I must have exaggerated when I said that my skin felt like it was literally on fire, or severely sunburned. But you do not 'see' the nerve endings in the skin being inflamed or irritated, sending pain signals to the brain. Only once I started to go really very red during flare ups, did they come round and start to understand that yes, something was wrong here. Its painful to be taken for a vain fool. This lovely woman, I know her from social media also, is suffering severely of a condition that mimics our type of rosacea, only worse because she gets the burning and flaring up not just on her face. I showed it to friends and family at some point, so that they hopefully understand better what sort of daily stresses and pain people like us are going through. I do not have it this severe. But I live in the same way basically, even with half her symptoms. And the same goes for many others with this condition. Not something anyone would do unless there is a real physiological reason for it. 

It's often well meant, but some people don't really listen or hear what we are saying about our health problem. So we need to understand it more, or better. If someone tells me or writes about having horrible burning face pain, and I would say: "Yeh but hey, look at the bright side; you are drop dead gorgeous!" Then that goes pretty much besides the point, and what does that mean to someone suffering deeply anyway? Nothing. In a way it is like people saying to me: "Oh I feel SO bad for you, having these medication side effects and not being super slim anymore, how horrible for you!" That's always coming from women by the way haha. I never heard a man say that to me. But then I say: well don't feel sorry for me, because I used to be stick thin and miserable to the point of struggling to cope with life, and now I feel much better and more normal again, my skin is burning a bit less and I feel so much better. Sure, now I have to look after my weight suddenly, which is a nuisance but not that big an issue for me. I am always surprised to hear these things from people relatively close to me, who know how bad things went at some point, and who know the pain issues I had. How come these people pick out of all this the conclusion that I am worse off now in a way due to one side-effect? (I know why; they are petrified to gain some weight themselves, and project that aghast onto my situation). 

Anyway. Is there some good news too perhaps? Yes there is some good news too. A wonderful and lovely lady from the USA emailed me not long ago and for some time as she was in the same boat as me; violent face flushing and burning. But there was a special pattern in her symptoms. Where I flush from warm temperatures, stress, sun, hot drinks and then a plethora of other triggers, every day of the month, she only flushed for 2 weeks out of 4. Which were the 2 weeks before menstruation. That is the time when progesterone hormones soar for us pre-menopausal women.  And after trying everything, her doctor finally suggested that perhaps, she could be "allergic to progesterone"? This is a rare thing but apparently not thát rare and the face flushing could be linked to it, the doctor thought. Now, her flushing was really quite profound, going by her photos; deep red, full face, very very painful and debilitating. It required cold packs and fans and the whole shebang. Because she is already in her mid to late 40's, the doctor agreed with a hysterectomy. No more progesterone hormones are released now by her body and she takes supplemental estrogen hormones, and I consider it a miracle but ever since the operation her flushing and burning and skin redness is as good as gone. Only drinking alcohol and very high temperatures caused a very mild pinkness once as far as I know, but the horrible bad flushing is gone. Now, I repeat that her trigger was only this progesterone hormone, linked to the last 10 to 14 days before period starts. But I like to highlight this amazing story, in case there are more women who may read this and who have the same specific flushing pattern as she had. It may be something to bring up to your doctor then, the possibility of this progesterone-induced rosacea.

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July 17th 2019

I've also been digging through Fyodor Dostoyevski's book Crime and Punishment lately which was good and am wrestling through his last book - which was impossible to warm up to in my student days - The Brothers Karamazov now, and it is still quite dry but I'll persevere. A lot of theory about religion at that time (mid 1800's) in Orthodox Russia, versus the Roman Catholicism of the West. But interwoven is also the story of three brothers (2 with the same mother - Alexei (Alyosha) and Ivan (Vanya), one half brother Dimitri (Mitka) I'll add some quotes soon once I am a bit further into it. Back to Crime and Punishment. I read this book first as a student and it was good because the main character is a student too. Back then I loved the elaborate writing style and the "crimi" element of the story. It is about a student called Raskolnikov, who at the start of the book decides to kill his landlady. For specific reasons. Then a cat and mouse game starts with a detective and with people in his direct surroundings, and he has to keep up his feigned innocence. But he is not entirely of sound mind and the way you are written into the head of this antihero protagonist is fascinating. It's interesting how your perspective changes as you age, so reading it now, almost 20 years later (and older), I recognized some things again but also looked quite differently at the characters in the book and the dilemma's as they unfold. This time around, there are other things that struck me in this book. For instance, that it now seems to me that Dostojevski used the crimi/detective genre for his book, but that in fact.. he probably centered it around his theories about guilt and crime and punishment. There are sections in the book that read like a thesis almost, like a philosophical debate. But the Master makes sure to not let the theoretics of it all overpower the readability of the story. It's a tough read, but so good. He really can pull you into a story like so few authors can. After reading Dostoevsky its hard to read any other authors, many seem so juvenile in their writing. Well, a lot of authors have their own unique style of course, which is good too.. but I mean, read Crime and Punishment than pick up a Tom Clancy novel and it is like reading a book from 5th grade. What he does so well is creating extremely lively and life-like characters, with deep psychological layers to them, yet they seem extremely human. Not cardboard 2-dimensional protagonists and side figures, as seems the case in so many modern books I read. Also he takes a lot of time to create a very intricate psychological game, which never becomes predictable. It's a great book, one of my favourites, also after re-reading it.

One example of an interesting (highly politically incorrect by today's standards!) theory from the book is the following. In the book, Raskolnikov wrote an article that got published, in which he divides all men into two groups: those that are ordinary and those that are extraordinary. Ordinary men have to live in submission and have no right to transgress the law in his thesis, because they are ordinary. But extraordinary men have a right to commit certain crimes and transgress the law. Thanks to their extraordinary nature. Although extraordinary people are not always bound to breach laws etc. But, an extraordinary man has the right, an inner right, to decide in his own conscience to overstep certain obstacles. And only if it is essential for the practical fulfillment of his idea. An idea that sometimes is to the benefit of the whole of humanity. For instance: If the discoveries of Kepler and Newton could not have been made known except by sacrificing the lives of one, a dozen, a hundred or more men, Newton would have had the right.. (Raskolnikov thinks); would indeed have been in duty bound, to eliminate the dozen or the hundred men. For the sake of making his discoveries known to the whole of humanity. But it does not follow from that, that Newton had a right to murder people right and left, and to steal food every day on the market. All, well, legislates and leaders of men, such as Lycurgus, Mohammed, Napoleon and so on, were all without exception criminals, he continues. From the very fact that by making a new law, they transgressed the ancient one. Handed down from their ancestors and held sacred by the people. And they didn't stop short of bloodshed either, if that bloodshed, often of innocent persons, fighting bravely in defense of ancient law, were of use to their cause. It's remarkable in fact that the majority indeed of these benefactors and leaders of humanity were guilty of terrible carnage. All great men, or even men a little out of the common - that is to say; capable of giving some new word - must from their very nature be criminals, according to Raskolnikov. More or less, of course. Otherwise it is hard for them to get out of the common rut. And to remain in the common rut is what they can't submit to, from their very nature - again. And Raskolnikov thinks that such people ought to indeed not submit to the status quo and the general rut.

Simply summarized: some men are extraordinary; they have insights or talents that only very few humans have, and if they can invent, create or execute their talent in such a way that the whole or a greater part of humanity at least benefits from it, then they are also having more rights to break the law for it, Raskolnikov states. Think of great scientists who came up with scientific laws that marked the advancement of society. Or think of great leaders in war, someone like Alexander the Great or Hannibal, who were mighty visionaries who changed history and the way we knew how to do warfare. Well such men are rare, Raskolnikov says. The majority of people out there are wired in such a way that they want to follow the herd; do what mostly everyone else is doing, and as such they are not great changers of society, because they do not shake up the boundaries much. Whereas a small group of extraordinary men can not help to look outside the box and Raskolnikov debates that in order to come to change (may it be new and better laws, or a change of geographic boundaries, or a new philosophy, for instance), there are usually casualties made. Napoleon had many good soldiers from the opposition killed in order to achieve his great victories. Scientists had to make enemies and sometimes casualties too during their experiments and battled against what was considered 'the truth' at any given time in history. Raskolnikov thinks in this book, that the benefits which these type of people can bring, warrant the victims they make. Because those victims are mostly all ordinary men. Which in his view are.... interchangeable. Replaceable. Not unique. So for the whole of humanity, he rather sees more extraordinary men been given the space to do their great things, even if we have to sacrifice some ordinary men to get there.

he rather gives up a 100 lives to spare the 1 life of the genius amongst us. For the greater good. That is seen as a mind boggling concept in the book by some others, who think that every human being, regardless of his or her IQ, capacities and level of brightness and inventiveness, has the same human value and rights. They think it immoral to make such a distinction. Raskolnikov is thinking practically however, and not ethically (and in the book he becomes fairly deranged soon after.. Or maybe he is already when he states all this haha, that is something the author lets you decide on). But it is an interesting dilemma, one you see throughout real time and history as well; would you be willing to sacrifice some, to save more? Would you give up 10 people to save a 1000? Practically: terrorist organizations like the IRA in northern Ireland, or the ETA in the north of Spain, felt that their goal was more important than the individual lives of some. They fought for independence and survival of either culture or ideology, and were willing to bomb and kill innocent victims from the opposition to achieve this higher goal. Some only targeted military men from the other opposing party, but others also bombed civilians; people who had nothing to do with it all and were just doing their weekend shopping, or traveling to work in a train. Their human rights were sacrificed, in order to gain power as a negotiation party. I wouldn't have wanted to be one of those victims. But had these parties just protested peacefully with some signs in front of buildings of those in power, one could argue that they would never have achieved much, sadly enough. That is the awful reality. Same with an organization such as FARC in South America most likely. In order to become a faction that the opposition will feel the need to negotiate with, there must be something on the table first. In these cases: an attempt to stop the bloodshed, often with concessions and giving in to some of their real, political demands. Raskolnikov, had he (and thus his creator Dostojevski) still been alive today, would have most likely argumented that the bigger goal of these organizations (independence for the Basques, a better balance between the rights of Protestants and Catholics in Ireland) would have been a worthy bigger cause, and would indeed have warranted the human lives that were taken en thus sacrificed in the process. But Raskolnikov was slightly crazy... What also hoovers above the story is the question whether or not the poor student Raskolnikov actually counts himself as one of those geniuses with extra rights. Considering he killed an old greedy landlady, thinking there was some greater good to this. Important to add that this fictional character Raskolnikov is quite an arrogant and at times delusional man! He is not some heroic protagonist, although some might see that in him anyway, as he is ruthlessly honest and does not follow conventions when it comes to... well mostly everything haha. That makes an interesting anti-hero. I couldn't get enough of him but I like the villains in books, movies and TV series in general.

In the book, Raskolnkov continues to say that his division of humans into ordinary and extraordinary people might indeed...be a bit arbitrary. But that he does not insist on exact numbers. He just beliefs in his leading idea that men are, in general, divided by a law of nature into two categories. -Inferior - ordinary; they are material that only serve to reproduce its kind. In other words; the majority of humanity, who do nothing special during their lifetime and follow the predictable path of finding ordinary jobs, making a couple of ordinary kids and then retiring; these days with a camper or something along those lines. People in this category (the majority of humans) are conservative in temperament, and willing to respect and follow the law. They live under control. And they - deep down - love to be controlled; be told what to do and how to do it. One might even say that it is their duty to be controlled, because that is their vocation and there is nothing humiliating in it for them. And then there is a small group of men who have the gift of talent; to utter a new word. There are several subdivisions of these gifted men, but their distinction is well marked. Men in this (smaller) category all transgress the law; they are not mere followers, but instead destroyers. Moving towards destruction, according to their capacities. The crimes of these men are relative and varied; for the most part they seek in very varied ways the destruction of the present, for the sake of the better. If he has to step over a corpse for the sake of his idea, or wade through blood, then he can find within himself and within his conscience the justification for wading through blood or stepping over corpses. It does depend on how grand and important this idea he has is for humanity. So the more important their ideas are, the more of a right to crime they have in Raskolnikovs view. Their achievement is so important for humanity as a whole, that people may be sacrificed for it. Legally, at least. Of course, this legal right will not be put into action normally, as the masses do not see it that way, and in reality rather hang or kill such visionaries for breaking human laws. And this is to be expected from them, as these are ordinary men, who are conservative by nature and law abiding. So they are very willing to be the executioner of these laws they hold so dear. But.... the surreal thing is, that these same ordinary men, the same masses, set these 'criminals' on a pedestal in the next generation! Once it dawns on them what greater ideas they had at the time. And then they worship them more or less. (Examples I can think of now: Jesus Christ. Lenin. Monet, Van Gogh, Ghandi? Che Guevara.etc). The first group, the ordinary men and women, is the group of the PRESENT, therefore. The second group, the extraordinary men and women, is the group of the FUTURE. The first group preserves the world, the second group moves the world, and leads it to its goal. Each class has their own right to exist. But, to speak with George Orwell; "All animals are equal. But some are more equal than others." Another point of discussion in the book, is that some of these extraordinary visionary people are executed in their lifetime by the masses. But others survive, and not rarely start executing people themselves then. Not the artists or scientists usually, but the warlords and political leaders of the past surely did, as well as the religious leaders.

But how do you distinguish these extraordinary people from the ordinary ones? Are there signs of it at their birth? Are there no clear external definitions? Given the amount of privileges they are given... ("How about a special uniform for them?", asks the opposed man, not without sarcasm). And what if an ordinary person wrongly imagines he belongs to the other group? Not a rare thing either... given how many people deem themselves extraordinary, even if there is no evidence to support this. Raskolnikovs discussion partner is constantly playing the devils advocate in their dialogues, giving the author free reign to explain all angles of this idea. Raskolnikov says that this mistake of identifying with the wrong subgroup, can only happen in the first category of ordinary people. Even though these people are predisposed to be obedient, some of them (through a playfulness of nature) like to imagine themselves to be advanced people, destroyers. And to push themselves into the new movement, and this quite sincerely. Meanwhile the really New People are very often unobserved by them, or even despised as reactionaries with groveling tendencies. But Raskolnikov sees no real danger into some ordinary men pretending to be extraordinary ones. Because they never go very far. They may get a thrashing sometimes for letting their fancy run away with them and to teach them their place, but no more. And even a trashing isn't really necessary, as they castigate themselves, for they are very conscientious. "It is a law of nature..." The opponent goes on: "And are there many people who have the right to kill others...? These extraordinary people? I am ready to bow down to them, of course.... But you must admit that it is alarming if there are a great many of them, hmmm?" Raskolnikov tells him not to worry. People with new ideas or the faintest capacity for saying something new, are extremely few in number. One thing only is clear; that the appearance of all these grades and subdivisions of men, must follow some law of nature. That law of course is unknown at present, but Raskolnikov is convinced that it exists...  one man out of a 1000 is perhaps extraordinary, with a spark of independence, he thinks. Or no, 1 in 10.000 perhaps approximately, is born with some independence. And those with greater independence come down to 1 in a 100.000 people. The men of genius is one of millions. And the great geniuses, the crown of humanity, is perhaps one in many thousand millions. In fact, there must be a definite law. It can't be a matter of chance. Another friend joins in: "So you sanction bloodshed in the name of conscience?? What fanaticism. More terrible in fact than the legal sanction of bloodshed."

The devils advocate has one last, sarcastic, question then: he worries about some youth mistakenly thinking they are the new future version of Muhammad or Alexander the Great, and in thinking so, assumes he has the right Raskolnikov has mentioned before; standing above the law. And what if he starts removing all obstacles to achieve his dream position of the new Muhammad? Yes, Raskolnikov says: the vain and foolish are prone to fall into that trap yes. Young people especially. But that's not Raskolnikovs fault, he thinks. That is how it always will be, with such brazen youth being misguided. But society is well protected with many prisons, legal punishment, criminal investigators, judges. Penal servitude. There is no need to be uneasy, therefore. All you have to do is catch the thief. And if you do, he gets what he deserves. And most men will suffer also through their conscience. As well as the prison. But the real geniuses, those who have the 'right' to murder; he will also suffer if he is sorry for his victim. "Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a person with a large intelligence and a deep heart. The really great men, I think, must have really great sadness on earth."

Oh and a last short bit from the book, a scene I liked -The detective tries to catch Raskolnikov making a mistake. He asks him cunningly if he saw the two painters when he visited the old landlady, which was two days before her murder. Raskolnikov thinks for a moment and then answers "No". However, he did see them, on the actual day of the murder, as he was the killer (I'm not spoiling anything by revealing this as it is what becomes clear at the start of the book; what unfold afterwards is the story). But if he had answered "yes" instead, the detective would have said: "Aha! The fact you have seen the two painters must mean that you were present on the day of the actual murder, two days later. As they were not working on the days prior!" Raskolnikovs friend, who at this point knows nothing yet, says to him that he found it a weird question by the detective. Raskolnikov tells him that it was a trap, to which the friend replies: "How was that a trap? You say that the question about the workman was a trap, but if you had DONE thát <murder of the old woman>, could you have said you had seen them painting the flat? And the workmen? On the contrary, you would have seen nothing. Even if you had seen it. Who would admit it against himself?" Raskolnikov (speaking with reluctance and some disgust) tells him then: "If I had done that thing, I should certainly have said that I hád seen the workmen at the flat." Friend: "But why speak against yourself?" Raskolnikov answers: "Because only peasants, or the most inexperienced novices, deny everything flatly at examinations. If a man is ever so little developed and experienced, he will certainly try to admit all the external facts that can't be avoided, but will seek other explanations of them will introduce some special unexpected term, that will give them another significance and put them in another light. Porfiry Petrovitch might well reckon, that I should be sure to answer so, and say I had seen them to give an air of truth, and then make some explanation." Friend: "But he would have told you at once; that the workmen could not have been there two days before, and that therefore you must have been there at the day of the murder at 8 o'clock. And so he would have caught you over a detail." R: "Yes.. That's what he was reckoning on. That I should not have time to reflect, and should be in a hurry to make the most likely answer. And so would forget that the workmen could not have been there two days before." Friend: "But how could you forget it?" Raskolnikov answers finally: "Nothing easier. Its in just such stupid things that clever people are most easily caught. The more cunning a man is, the less he suspects that he will be caught in a simple thing. The more cunning a man is, the simpler the trap he must be caught in."

What becomes clear in the book I think, is that what makes being human so extraordinary, is that we can understand our own suffering and by doing that we can understand others. We are given the apple of knowledge so that we can overcome suffering, but at the same time, we know it exists on a deeper level. Animals are constantly at risk of suffering...never knowing if hey will eat, always on alert for predators, but they live in the now. Now is all that counts, may it be suffering or contentment. We on the other hand can feel joy and excitement in looking forward in time, or melancholy and sadness in looking backwards. This can play against us in the sense that since we know what suffering feels like and what causes it, we can also know how to hurt others. And since we know that when we hurt we are more apt to doing whatever it takes to get out of it, we can persuade others to do what we want them to do, if only we could find the right way to make them suffer. But we are also the only animals (probably) that can transcend our death while we are alive.. Not through artificial intelligence, like Silicon Valley is trying to do, but though our minds.  Or by writing a great book about all this.

But the real geniuses, those who have the 'right' to murder; he will also suffer if he is sorry for his victim. "Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a person with a large intelligence and a deep heart. The really great men, I think, must have really great sadness on earth."

**I admit that I do love that last quote. And I wondered sometimes myself if people with a sunny character and an intelligence level that is not abnormally high, are therefore not being hindered by endless minds questions about the universe and existence, and might in fact be the happiest humans of them all? I doubt many cats for instance reflect on what happened to them before birth, or what will happen to them after death. Or what 'legacy' they must create while being alive. Of all the creatures that have walked the earth, humans and our direct ancestors (Neanderthals perhaps) must have been the only ones with brains as developed to reflect on oneself and on abstract concepts like life, death, meaning and destiny. It is almost a cruel trick by some invisible God: you give them a beautiful planet to explore, other human beings to love and interact with, animals to surround you, the sun that shines, etc. Yet you also give some the predisposition to constantly reflect on their own mortality. What a party pooper! It probably did spike many people before us to do something excellent with their life. Create things, compose music that will stand the teeth of time. Books, inventions. If death wasn't chasing everyone of our shadows, would anyone be as pressed as we are now to do things, make things?







July 16th 2019

This made me crack up today, its from the 90's I think so from the time where people didn't cry about being offended about everything and anything. Made for great humour, especially coming from the English. Well, not everyone's cup of tea probably..

   

July 15th 2019

Waaahhhhh, watched so much great tennis the past few days. Best skip this if you happen to find tennis boring. But the Wimbledon men's semi finals and yesterdays men's final were just fantastic. I'm a big Novak Djokovic fan so wasn't impartial. I love Djokovic and followed his grand slams since... he started I guess. Wonderful player, he is like a jaguar in the field. His semi finals against Spanish Roberto Bautista Agut was already very good and nerve-wrecking. And Roger Federers semi final against Raphael Nadal was also great. But the big one was today. I remember watching the 2008 Wimbledon finals live too at the time, and it had Federer play a young Nadal, when Rafael won his first grand slam title on grass. Epic battle of two giant tennis players with unbelievable tennis, lasting 4 hours and 48 minutes. Well this years final was almost as good, and lasted even longer - a new Wimbledon record. It turned into an instant classic, and it ended with a 122-minute deciding 5th set, that culminated in a first singles tie break at Wimbledon**. It was that close after 5 sets.

Extraterrestrial tennis in a blood-curdling marathon of almost five hours. And with a heartbreaking outcome for Roger Federer after two match points. Probably his most painful defeat ever on Sunday, as the margins were so very close. Beforehand, it seemed an impossible mission for Federer to defeat both Nadal and Djokovic for his ninth grand slam title at Wimbledon. But then there was the moment of glory, when Federer forced two "Championship Points" (match points) in the fifth set. The Center Court, with the audience being unfortunately massively on Federers hand, was heaving like a ship on high seas, with mostly all the spectators screaming for the old Swiss king to show one more ultimate masterpiece. All those London puff toffs with their Swiss bank accounts supported the Swiss player, forcing Djoko to mentally be the stronger one against FedEx more or less playing a home game. Before those two match points for Federer, Djokovic and Federer had already played a blood curling first set, which ended in a tie-break. Federer made some fantastic points, looked at a 3-5 lead in the tie-break, but then made several (un)forced errors, allowing Djokovic to win the tie-break. The BBC commentators (Boris Becker and Tim Henman among them) kept saying to their audience that Federer played his best tennis, showed perfect tennis all round, but in reality he had a strong service but made too many unforced errors on the return. Brilliant drop shots were alternated with simple errors and imprecision. Djokovic simply made less mistakes.

Then the second set Djokovic seemed in a daze and before he knew it he lost two of his services, looking at a 0-4 backlog. Soon it became 1-5 and Djokovic seemed to have already given up on this second set. He seemed absent minded, perhaps due to the sensational bias of the Wimbledon audience, who for the most part cheered on Roger Federer. Very uncomfortable to watch to be honest, as Novak is not only a friendly charming man who builds local schools in his home country of Serbia, but also one of the greatest tennis players of all times, making that Wimbledon finale right there and then. In front of a very undeserving crowd. Luckily he regained his control on the game in the third set. At 4-5 Federer had a set point, under load roaring from the grandstands, but he squandered it and allowed Djokovic to come back with 3 simple points. Federer chose a mix of slice and top spin on the backhand to disrupt Djokovic's game. It worked against him more often than not however, especially at the "big points" in this sublime battle of the titans. Then Federer did not dare to tackle Djokovic's second service and opted for the safe slicer return. Federer always makes the same mistake. He is too passive after already having made great points at the net. His attack modus is simply too often switched off. The same thing happened in his lost Wimbledon finals against Djokovic in 2014 and 2015. Djokovic is a superb 'goalie' in the backfield with his elastic wrists and also has the best, double-handed backhand. Give Djokovic a millimeter of space and he finds the emergency exit, even when he is facing two match-points against him. As soon as Federer reverses back, he loses his hard earned points. Every service turn was won by Federer; Djokovic did hardly ever break his service all match. But it never got the Serbian fighting machine and number 1 of the world down. In another tie-break he demolished Federer again. 2-1 in sets! No idea what happened to FedEx during those tie-breaks, but he made so many errors and seemed to lack power; perhaps it were the nerves. The problem for Federer, I think, is the decreased amount of time you have to carve out an advantage in a tiebreak, where you only get two serves before the switch. He dominated in the regular games because while his high-risk style contributes to an error or two per game, he can dominate enough with his serve and his winners to win out in those. But in tiebreaks the one who makes fewer errors will win as long as they can keep pace, and that's always going to be Djokovic because he's content to get the ball back in play and let Federer make the error. His wife in the mean time, seated in the staff box, was biting her finger nails. For 5+ hours. Then in mystifying logic, Federer was back onto it in the 4th set. He dictated the game, broke Novaks service. It became 2-5 in sets for Federer. Novak was unable to turn it around and clearly let it come down to the all deciding 5th set.

The 5th set was the best of the entire match I think, both players were excellent. Novak was able to hinder Federer more during his service turns and he even managed to break him at 3-2. FedEx broke him back the next opportunity already however. We were all watching the match at the tips of our seats by then, it was so exciting. It could go either way. You didn't see in their play that they had already played nearly 5 hours on end by then. The audience was super vocal, which annoyed me due to their partiality. I think that Novak somehow got strength from being the underdog in terms of popularity. At 7-8 FedEx had broken Novaks service and could serve for the title; 2 match points. But again he started to make silly mistakes and didn't push through. Perhaps Federer's dilemma is that he becomes entangled in doubts about which strategy to follow. He surprised his arch-rival Nadal in the semi-finals by fighting him from the baseline, which is actually suicidal against Djokovic. Besides, Novak Djokovic is a mentally tough survival artist, who is by some compared to Iron Man or a robot even, for his mental resilience. And here he showed that once more, at the backdrop of a roaring pro-Federer crowd he made 4 good points, broke in return, and it was 8-8 again in no time. They battled on until it was 12-12. A new Wimbledon rule went into action; players weren't allowed to battle on into the evening or night, looking for that 2 point difference, but now had to play yet another, final, tie-break. For which Djokovic had the better cards, as he won the previous two as well. And again he was the supreme one, breaking Federer almost immediately, ending up with 3 match points, of which he grabbed the first right away.

The unsporting Wimbledon audience. Afterwards Djokovic said that "It is mentally the toughest game I have ever played". "The Federer game is made for grass and I was one ball away from defeat." But he also had to battle the Wimbledon audience, who were clearly supporting Federer on Center Court. Federer, according to Djokovic, benefited mentally from this. "At times I try to ignore it, which is quite difficult. When the audience shouts "Roger", I pretend to hear "Novak". It sounds pathetic, but it is,", he said afterwards. "Roger, Novak, it doesn't matter that much." "Hopefully I get the same encouragement in five years." Then he himself is 37 years old. I found it all rather shocking really. Not only were all the cheers and most of the more abundant applause for the Swiss, regardless of what he did correct, on 11-11 in the fifth set for instance, the audience booed Djokovic because he disputed a "challenge" from Federer. (I thought Roger could have spoken up when he heard the boo's). They cheered en masse when Djokovic made double mistakes, and even when he slipped and fell. The mob cheering his missed first serves, double faults etc. Shameful behaviour from the audience really. It swayed a lot of neutral viewers to the side of Novak. But within the stadium, these riff raff fans basically lost Novak a game in the final set with inappropriate cheering. (I would have gone round after winning the match with my ears cupped like Eric Cantona did, but luckily Novak is a far more humble and gentle person, although he did show a good broad smirk after winning). Novak has won five out of ten last Wimbledons but you would not think it the way British media disrespects him. The Wimbledon crowd treated Pete Sampras the same way as Djokovic back in the days, but he still continued to come back and kept on winning. I hope Djokovic will do the same in coming years and I expect him to surpass both Nadal and Federer in terms of grand slam titles. I personally don't understand this antipathy towards Djokovic. Or maybe it is more a huge sympathy for Roger Federer 'because he makes the impossible possible at a late age'. Or as he said it on Center Court: "I show that you can still play at the highest level at the age of 37." But Federer has rarely been a killer, he is too much the artist to follow his feelings. Which is why I like Djokovic so much; he is passionate, expressive. He roars over the tennis court like a jaguar, so athletic, such an alround and passionate player. I'd pick Rafael Nadal for that same reason over Federer too who I'd compare to a decent, highly functional but more boring Swiss clockwork. Just a matter of personal preference.

But regardless of personal tastes, as a host city, with no English player in the finale, it makes for very bad vibes for the reigning champion and number one of the world, to consistently be met with that sort of hostility from the audience. He encountered the same thing in the semi final against a Spaniard the London scene didn't even know yet as he is a newcomer. Just show some warmth and respect to not only one of the greatest players of all time, but also a warm hearted, good guy who plays fantastic. Its players like him who provide Wimbledon with such thrilling matches! I have to applaud Novak mental strength, he knew himself that most were cheering for Roger and to come back from 2 match points against you, to win it, was amazing to see. Novak is just a man of steel.. his mentality is second to none and that was the the difference today. How many times did he come back from the brink of disaster? Amazing performance, especially given the fact that the crowd was ridiculously biased towards Roger. He didn't lose his confidence, his nerve or his stamina. The mark of a true champion. Of course everyone loves Roger but give Novak a break....he was superb. Djokovic shows other players that you don't need to come from a rich family like Federer and Co, to be a tennis player and to be a successful one. He and his family dealt with the Kosovo war in the 90's, they put everything aside and bend over backwards to have their son get a tennis education. He is among the GOATs as Boris Becker calls him: one of the Greatest Of All Time. How is Federer the greatest according to his very vocal fans, but Federer is lucky he had a few years with no competition to get most of his grand slams back in the days. What a cracking game. It's going to be a sad day when the big three retire. Novak, Federer and Nadal gave us the best matches of the year.

If Beethoven created a tennis player - Federer 

If Picasso created a tennis player - Nadal 

If Nikola Tesla created a tennis player - Djokovic

All 3 are GOATs in their own different way. Its just been a huge privilege to have been able to witness an era where 3 of the greatest players ever have played at the same time and all 3 having unique styles. Federer is poetry in motion, Nadal the matador and Djokovic a replicant (explains why he doesn't get the credit and love he deserves). For me the Djoker is the best, with the strongest mental fortitude, the best athleticism, chasing lost causes and resolved to never give up and with a wonderful technique. But who cares. Novak is a player who will get the full appreciation he deserves after he has retired. Novak's game is absolutely pleasing to the eye, which is just absolutely apparent to everyone not biased against him. No one paints the lines like Novak, resets points, retrieves lost points and has this level of elasticity. Novak's return is not just widely regarded as the best in history, but has also revolutionized the way this shot is played, neutralizing the hard servers and putting almost everyone else immediately on the defensive. Moreover, Novak has revolutionized the way the game is played strategically. No one has ever developed the almost chess-like system and shot selection to build points like that. And then he not only doesn't rest on his laurels but goes off and transforms his previously relatively average serve into a killer weapon! Nadal may have his furious defending and Fed his litany of offensive weapons, but of all three Novak is by far the most complete package. It is a shame the ignorant tennis public cannot see greatness right in front of their eyes. Prost had much the same problem when he raced against Senna. It was only afterwards people fully realised how good he was. The public seems to have difficulty recognising two greats simultaneously. They can only appear to process one at a time. With tennis we have 3 greats and we are lucky to be able to watch their era. Lets just savour these moments and hope these 3 guys can defy human nature and keep going for years to come.

**The Wimbledon management introduced the tiebreak in the fifth set, after the match between Kevin Anderson and John Isner in the semi-finals of 2018 was decided finally at 24-22 in set 5. They played into the evening for it and Anderson was so drained and demolished afterwards that he was used as a floor mop in the final by Djokovic. Tennis players are now protected from the infinite agony, like Isner's 70-68 against Mahut in 2010. But somewhere, the third tiebreak on 12-12 also felt like an anticlimax, especially as it was decided with a bouncing error ball in the case of Roger Federer. So, I understand that they had to install it after that poor South African Andersson last year played a semi final of 9 hours or so. He could hardly run across the field during the final, so they want to prevent that from happening again and draining any future finalist prematurely. But in the final? Hmmmmm...  Let them battle until they are spent.

July 11th 2019

It's cricket time again :D Here the rules are explained in a simple manner

(make sure to also read the comment section below the video for extra laughs):

June 30th 2019

So its very hot and I am housebound mostly because of the intense heat outside. As the car's airconditioning broke down once again (cry). Had it repaired only 6 weeks ago and now I need to go back in the heat without airco to town and get it checked again. Its a nightmare as it gets 40+degrees Celsius in my black car. Oh well... A friend struggled with the heat + rosacea combination and asked how I stay positive in all this/... I'm not all that positive in general I must say, but I grew used to the rosacea induced house arrest over the summers.... Taking mirtazapine helps me too; that drug has helped take care of any anxiety I may have had since 2006 for me and then its a mild antidepressant too and makes me sleep really well. Other than that... maybe because I'm introvert and don't like social gatherings. My friend used to work all summer behind the bar in a local food truck in the past. and I used to have to drag myself there some evenings to say hello. I'm rather home with the cats and a book or work than in that "cesspit" of drinking and shouting and 'see and be seen". But overall yes it can be very lonely.. Its true. I have some online friends that are in the same boat, health wise and that also helps. Dealing with a friend with health issues isn't easy either either. So keeping hold of all your friends may also be a challenge. Some may not appreciate your backing out of fun outings. Or you talking more than average about your own health. I remember something about one friend from my youth days. We're still friends but when we were in our 20's I had this really bad spell. Very depressed, struggling badly with my skin and my fears and worries. She said flat out at some point to me that she couldn't cope with my state of mind. She had a rough childhood herself with her parents and just couldn't cope with dealing with me and my down mood. That was very painful to hear. I was already deflated and down, and then that was said.. But bc I knew her family while growing up, I respected her honesty at the time and even understood it. We picked things back up after I improved with medication. But it was not fun to hear that... And I understand that some others would have called it quits on the friendship right there and then. But some people are just not good with these things; dealing with depressed and desperate people.

Control of your health problem, of a burning flaring skin in my case, was the first step. So even though I deal with this problem constantly and have painful episodes daily, I do feel some sense of control because I can calm things down with my little aid kit; a ventilator, a coldpack, airconditioning. Sipping ice cubes. Avoiding the sun. When my skin is then not flushed and behaving, this gives me so much happiness and sense of calm, that I don't even long for those situations where I know it will flare up again: parties, drinking alcohol, sunny beaches (never likes them anyway). I discussed it with a friend who is in the same boat and he agrees that for us the hardest part has always been to be able to accept our limitations and restrictive lifestyle. Having kids makes it so much tougher I assume, but neither of us has any so that leaves a lot of time and space to just dedicate to ourselves, our health management and also to spending our free time as we wish. But finding a level of acceptance and maybe modifying your life to live within those constraints brought a lot of peace of mind and more happiness. It’s that acceptance, but in no way giving up. Once you find that acceptance it opens up opportunities for happiness in our experience. And having interests and hobbies and passions that can be met within these confines (so for me I read and write and all that stuff, listen to music, make videos, converse with penpals, which can all be done in front of a ventilator...). The best thing was being able to fully accept my limitations and carve out a life within those condiments.  If that means refocusing your interests or taking up different hobbies, then that’s what needs to be done. If it means going for walks at night, catching up with people when the weather is cool, then I accepted that and make the most of it. It has helped me over the years to have readjusted life and expectations I guess... But I still also get periods where I'm down or grumpy or dissatisfied.. That's normal. There is a lot we have to give up in life. I try to look at the alternative and then imagine me having to work in an overheated stuffy office (horror, shudder) for 40 years, and with all these people I may not like, having a 9 to 5 job I hate. And then I think of all the free time and space I now have due to this rosacea beast... My middle sister passed away 15 years ago and and I try to remind myself of all I have been able to experience and enjoy in those 15 years myself, despite being so handicapped in a way by the constant skin burning and flushing :( She had none of that. Maybe that perspective has helped me too.  Just looking for the positives, my life goes very slow, whereas my sisters life passes by so quickly as she is always on the go. So I experience life more slowly too, there is another plus, in a way :) And I have simple pleasures now, such as following a TV series I like. Eating something really nice that day. My cats, my loved ones. Its sad in a way to live like that at my age but it is what it is.. I can still travel and also do so regularly, although its no fun in itself with my hand fan and coldpacks. But I do it anyway. Once the heat passes again, there will be more time for shopping and out the door appointments and travel and long walks. Now it's just airconditioning, fans, books, the computer, movies and house cleaning (hate that). My friend with rosacea who is a former sportsman wrote me in that respect: "For all my life, I’ve dreamt of retiring on a beach with 33 degree temperatures all year round. I once saw a report on a kid who was allergic to the sun and I vividly remember thinking that that would be the worse thing to ever happen. I NEVER thought that I would ever dream, which I do now, of moving down south to the coldest parts of the country to find a secluded beach where I could walk alone with my dog late in the afternoon. Eight years ago I would have told you that would be a nightmare. Now I think of it as bliss!" I also cant think of a better place either than clouded 13 degrees windswept desolate beaches now haha.

I finished that book HHhH and it was honestly one of the best books I've read on the war. I've read a lot on it in the past, also big serious biographies on Hitler and on the NSDAP, but this author really did something unique. Heydrich, Überrrrrgruppenführer van die Einsattttzgruppen und Rrrrreichsprotektor. Such an arrogant and power tripping man, but highly efficient in his job. If the English had given him antibiotics he would have lived. But he was left to perish from the infection that resulted from the attack. The ending of the book nearly made me cry, I was out in public transport and had to control myself not to start bawling. Once the author Laurent Binet got onto steam 1/3th into the story when the the attack on Heydrich and the heroes Jozef Gabčík, Jan Kubiš are described. I mean no matter how you look at the whole political thing, on a human level it was like a Greek Tragedy, this whole operation. Operation Anthropoid. The way in which this Gabčík and Kubiš and some others who were with them and involved got literally smoked out was an impressive story. Including the villain snitch. My own grandparents were deep into the resistance work and underwent some gruesome stuff so it does get to my heart. I tend to think that today's hedonistic self-centered bunch wouldn't be as brave and heroic as that generation sometimes was but one WW2 veteran was asked this same question and he answered that without a shadow of a doubt, he knew that also this generation of today would have done the same things during WW2; that their sense of injustice would have spiked them to act. What a lovely answer. 

I write with an inmate in an American jail, already for about five years now. Not a frightening criminal mind you, but stuck there for a valid reason nevertheless. It is 'snail mail' as they call it; written letters. So with weeks of time between posting the letter and its arrival, and on top of that every day life getting in the way of writing, that amounts to maybe one letter every few months. But consistency is key and I'm not the type of person to suddenly stop writing or to cut off long standing contact. There are many differences between our lives, but there are also some similarities. Being locked in, for instance. Being often bored with being locked in. He sometimes wonders what the world will be like once her gets out. Interesting question and I don't always know just what to answer to it. But modern culture is certainly different these days than what he was used to, I suppose, as these things change so quickly nowadays. I'll use some excerpts from my latest writing for a blog post now: "It has been warm here, close to 35 degrees Celsius today (95 F), but hotter in the sun obviously... I have air conditioning blasting, but how do you stay cool in jail? Do they have airco in there too? Or are you suffering in the summers? Life is OK here, albeit warm. I know that my life is very different from yours, but in a way it is also alike I think, or suspect. Because with the sun and heat out there, I am trapped also, in a way. Not even my evening walks are possible anymore as its so hot outside. So I am stuck behind a ventilator blowing cool air and then I have my computer. Like with most people these days, life plays out for a big part on these computer or phone devices. It is a sad state of affairs, as in my youth (and yours too I'm sure) we were out the door all day. Playing football in the streets, running wild with other kids from the neighborhood. Now even my little nephew and his friends are glued to their tablets and gaming devices. You rarely see kids playing out in the streets anymore in the cities. Helicopter parents are partly to blame for that too perhaps, as they prey over these kids like falcons, or drones, ensuring that nothing happens to these poor mites. Of course, what made life good back in the days was exactly this opportunity to make mistakes and learn from them. Adventure. 

Culture shock

But also out in public; you may get a small culture shock once you are out in the real world again. People are sitting in public transport like zombies, glued to their mobile phones. Mesmerized by the 'pings' it makes when a message or notification comes in. There is real life ('boring') and there is online, virtual life, where people can sometimes pretend to be something else entirely. There is a site called Instagram, which allows people to post photos. But it also has inbuilt filters, making you look like your absolute best self. Or even better than yourself. Which causes stress for some, especially younger users. Or so I read. Perhaps that is partly why many young people these days go to plastic surgeons or beauty salons for a little botox or fillers here or there. Older people do it too by the way. Not all of them of course. If it is done well, you won't even be able to spot much of a difference. If you do see a whole lot of difference, it is sometimes not a good thing. These girls were pretty to start with and some now look... very odd.. But since so many are doing it, it is almost becoming the new normal. Check this link 

So well... a lot of people seem depressed these days, it seems. Life is fast paced over here, people mostly work long hours and then go all loose on the weekends, trying to feel 'free' and happy of course, that one is very important to feel on a near constant basis. So some people frequent some of the hundreds of annual music festivals, get high on laughing gas balloons or coke, or binge drink themselves into a Sunday slumber, then drag themselves back to work and the rat race on Monday morning. Mostly everyone here wants to own the latest technological gadgets. Divorce in this day and age is quite normalizd. There are online dating sites such as 'Tinder' to meet a lot of new people, if you wish. Or so I have been told :)

Songs of the day

    

    

Political correctness and marvel

Something else that is going on in this modern day society: political correctness. Us (still referring to this penpal here) both growing up in the 1980's, we never really got used to this mass-imposed and aggressively promoted blueprint on how to think and act. And it most likely makes you recalcitrant just as it makes me. But you can't open a newspaper anymore, or watch a TV series or movie anymore (let alone read a comment section online) or you are slapped in the face with the ever more pressing message of how to handle, act and think. If you refuse to, you are deemed “not woke”. Woke then stands for being appropriately up to date and on board with the latest political correctness imprint. Students have been given an abnormal amount of influence over the curriculum and position of professors, seemingly overnight, and fueled by the fear of public opinion and ratings from these schools. Just like movie studios are constantly worried about the public opinion and ratings.

   

Something interesting these days in that respect is a movie genre called 'marvel'. Here a very funny Scot is giving his 'review' (short) on the latest franchise movie. He basically rants in a very sarcastic manner in light of the latest Marvel/Disney studio-made superhero movie (pretending to be the first of its kind that gives a female a superhero role). From what I understand from a friend who is a fan, Marvel comics, the company that created the original Spider-Man and Hulk and so on sold out to Disney a few years back btw. The Scot says more or less – covered with a heavy sauce of mockery as I said – that yes, of course things were horrible back in the days. In the 60's, 70's, 80's, no females were given any powers in movies; they were meek submissive wimps, bitch-slapped by evil white privileged men. He shows examples in the background of movies who pretty much show the opposite and where women for many decades had strong roles. Underlying just what a bulshit movie this Marvel thing is in that respect. In reality, this 'Captain Marvel' film is called a fiasco by the critics. They got complete control and used the medium to create this ultra-woke far left platform to mangle the stories, mangle the characters that have been beloved by fans for generations. As I understand it, for the last 10 years they did well in the cinema with the whole Avengers phenomenon. They mostly kept the wokeness out and it did well but now the actors are getting old or bored or their contracts have run out so they've done away with most of them and introduced Craptain Commie. 

June 13th 2019

Am reading a good book called HhhH, from writer Laurent Binet. It's about a World War 2 Nazi head piece called Reinhard Heydrich, one of the architects of the Holocaust and a truly fascinating character for a book (albeit a revolting villain). And about the a group of Czech Resistance fighters who tried to assassinate him. Despite this rather niche-like topic, his book has become a best-seller. Mostly thanks to the writer probably, who really brings this story alive. He doesn't shun the gruesome details but his cynical sense of humor shines through and I find that very pleasant. And, sprinkled throughout is a fictionalized account of Heydrich, Gabcik, Kubis, and the assassination of Heydrich in Prague. Some people criticize his decision to include some personal musings about his choices while writing the book, but it can also be seen as refreshing and adding to the overall story. His descriptions of his reasons for writing this work, and his travels to the places discussed, give a sense of presence to readers today. The authors voice really comes through often and there is no doubt about how he feels personally about these historical characters; his hatred of Heydrich and admiration for the Czechoslovakian parachutists who risked everything to rid the world of the Hangman of Prague. And when there is doubt about a (historic) version of events, we can be sure that Binet tells us about it, and why he chose one version over the other. It adds colour to his writers voice and credibility too I find. Very well written and the story is told with a certain urgency, never getting boring. I highly recommend it.

One quote from the book, which I read yesterday and stuck with me, is a bit about the famous Death Match. I type over directly what Binet wrote about this: "I've just learned about an extraordinary story that took place in Kiev, during the war. It happened in 1942 and none of the main characters from Operation Anthropoid is involved, so theoretically it has no place in my novel. But one of the great advantages of the genre is the almost unlimited freedom it gives the author. In the summer of 1942 Ukraine is governed by the nazi's with characteristic brutality. However, they wish to organize soccer matches between the various occupied and satellite countries of the east. Now, it happens that one team soon distinguishes itself with a series of victories over Hungarian and Romanian opponents. FC Start, a team hastily assembled from the bones of the defunct Dynamo Kiev, which has been banned since the beginning of the occupation, but whos ex players are reassembled for these matches. Rumours of the teams success reach the Germans, who decide to organize a match in Kiev between the local side and the Luftwaffe's team. The Ukranian side are told they must make a  Nazi-salute when the teams line up. The day of the match the stadium is full to bursting. The two teams come out on the pitch, and the German players lift their arms and shout 'Heil Hitler!". The Ukrainian players also lift their arms, no doubt a disappointment to the crowd who see the match as an opportunity to show some symbolic resistance. But instead of shouting 'Heil Hitler!', they close their fists, bang them against their chests and shout: "Long live physical culture!" This slogan, with its Soviet connotations, sends the crowd wild. The match has hardly began when one of the Ukrainian strikers has his leg broken by a German player. At the time there were no substitutes, so FC Start have to play on with only 10 men. Thanks to their numerical superiority the Germans open the score. Things are going badly but the Kiev players refuse to give up and they equalize to loud cheers. When they score a second goal, the supporters explode with joy.

At half time, General Eberhardt, the superintendent of Kiev, goes to see the Ukrainian players in their changing room and tells them: "Bravo. You've played an excellent game and we've enjoyed it. But now in the second half, you must lose. You really must. The Luftwaffe team has never lost before, certainly not in any of the occupied territories. This is an order. If you do not lose, you will be executed." The players listen in silence. Back on the pitch, after a brief moment of uncertainty and without discussing it, they make their decision: they will play to win. They score a goal. Then another, and end up winning 5-1. The Ukrainian fans go crazy. The German supporters mutter angrily. Shots are fired in the air. But none of the players are worried yet. Because the German players believe that they  can avenge the insult on the pitch. Three days later  a return match is organized and promoted by a poster campaign. The Germans send urgently for reinforcements. Some professional footballers come over from Berlin to strengthen their team. The second match kicks off. The stadium is full to bursting again. But this time its patrolled by SS-troops. Officially they are there to maintain order. As before, the Germans score first. But the Ukrainians never lose faith, and they win the match 5-3. At the final whistle the Ukrainian supporters are ecstatic. But the players look pale. The pitch is invaded and in the confusion three Ukrainian players disappear. They will survive the war. The rest of the team is arrested, and four of them are are sent immediately to Babi Yar, where they are executed. On his knees, on the edge of the ditch, Nikolai Trusevich - the captain and goalkeeper - manages to yell, before getting a bullet in the back of the neck: "Communist sport will never die!" The other players (Olexander Tkachenko, Mikola Korotkykh, Olexi Klimenko and Ivan Kuzmenko) are murdered one by one. Today, there is a monument to them in front of Dynamo's stadium."

I also found out some natural skin filter option. I don't have a smartphone (just an old fashioned flip phone) and my digital camera is old too and has no filter options, but the walls in one room in the house are yellow/orange and the light bulb is also yellow. Despite having pink cheeks today, making a photo in that space with the light on masks the entire thing! Not the most flattering outcome of course, it looks like I have liver disease now.

   

June 11th 2019

Something uplifting :)  Gosh how beautiful

   

  

June 6th 2019

Today is the 75th memorial of D-Day. Of the time of the Greatest Generation. I made a short and a longer memorial video on it, mostly material retrieved from a 6-part Dutch TV series on it that has been airing lately. It's a lot of footage but I selected some touching and interesting testimonies from veterans and also real footage of that day, and put some music under part of it too, to give a little bit of an image of this very special and bloody day in history. I'm sure mostly everyone already knows the basics about it, but some interesting things are this.

The assignment to supreme commander Dwight D. Eisenhower was simple. Make sure you reclaim the European mainland from Nazi Germany. But if he knew what was awaiting him in 1942, before it came to D-Day, he might never have started it. Nothing was ideal. More than 6 thousand ships, 10 thousand planes and nearly 130 thousand soldiers were ready for it on 6 June 1944. Operation Overlord was about to start. The originally planned attack, on June 5th, had to be abruptly canceled due to bad weather. Something very risky; that could have led to total chaos if, for example, not everyone could be reached on time to cancel the mission. Or if the Germans had noticed that there was activity. Such a decision at the very last moment gives even the highest general stomach ache. Because it would have been a disaster for the liberation scenario if the invasion details would have leaked out prematurely. All details of the attacks had been worked out to the minute. It had been worked on in the deepest secrecy from 1942 onward, under the name Operation Roundup. Not an enviable job. If you look at the map, it is immediately clear what challenges the generals faced at the time. Carrying out an attack via Southern Europe was not an option because they would have to cross the Alps to get to the Ruhr area. But going via the North was also not easy because there had never been large-scale amphibious landings there before. So they started with nothing at all on the script.

A short videos I made

  

The only thing that was quickly established was that it had to be an amphibious invasion. There was actually no alternative to quickly build up a large army force. You can drop troops from the air, but such an action must be followed up quickly. That is only possible when you attack from the sea. The choice for a crossing from the sea did not make it easier either to work out the plans. ,Many people do not realize that you can only land on a limited number of coasts. For example, if you look at Norway, with all those cliffs, you can hardly do that. The Dutch, Belgian and French coasts offered more opportunities with their sandy beaches. But one of the major problems in the 1940's was was that the Allied Forces knew very little details about that coastline. The latest detailed French maps dated from before the First World War. But the Allies also needed to know for instance what the area behind the beaches looked like. They tried to map the coastlines with the help of the local Resistance; even holiday snapshots were welcome. One question that the resistance also couldn't answer was where you could possibly reach with ships? Eisenhower had to know what the sand strip exactly looked like when the valves of the ships opened. What lay on the seabed? What was the slope of the beach like, which determines whether ships could moor there? Could the ships put on enough pressure to stay ashore? What the current was like?

Frogmen
Even the type of sand was important to know. Where there pebbles, or was it perhaps rocky? Did the seabed move with the tides or was it stable? All that had to be sorted out first. And so it became that a shovel of sand from the northern European coast suddenly became invaluable for the intelligence service. The navy even used special mini submarines for frogmen, who could then take soil samples. Even with all that knowledge about the coast, the choice for the final landing could still not be made. The line of defense of the Germans, the Atlantikwall which ran from Norway to France, also played a crucial role in this. An amphibious landing with or without heavy guns makes a world of difference. This was experienced first hand by the Canadians who wanted to capture the French harbor town of Dieppe in 1942. The landing went well, but then it turned out that so much resistance obstacles were placed on the beach, that the heavy equipment could not be offloaded on the beach. Infantry had to move into the city without backup fire support, which led to heavy losses. To make things even more complex, Eisenhower first had to know exactly what Hitler could do once they had hit a bridgehead. Not an easy question to answer for the allies, because the Germans did not have one clear strategy. Two senior German generals both had different views on how to best deploy their armored divisions, and things could go either way therefore. What was clear however was that Germany had a much stronger army on paper, with more than 60 divisions in France alone. Eisenhower had nearly 40 divisions at its disposal. The Allies did have a tactical advantage: air superiority. The German air force and aviation industry had already been largely destroyed during bombings. Normandy was certainly not the dream location to go ashore, but it was the best of all other options. Norway was scratched because the Allies would have to cross water again at Denmark before they were in Germany. The Netherlands and Belgium were heavily defended and not an option with their many waterways, which would make a rapid advance more difficult. Both countries were also within the reach of German airports. France was in a good position, but no region was optimal there either. Calais was closest to the built-up force in England, but after the debacle in Dieppe, the Allies preferred to avoid heavily defended port cities. Brittany was attractive, but again too far out of reach of allied fighter aircraft. Normandy was also not ideal. It had a coast with many cliffs and was heavily defended, but it also had a few beautiful, wide sandy beaches. The big advantage here was that Eisenhower was able to deploy many landing craft across the board in order to be able to move many troops quickly. But nothing was ideal. The only thing the Allies could do was try to turn disadvantages into advantages, with smart operations. For example, by carrying out a lot of bombings before D-Day on strategic targets. Or by deceiving the Germans..

Greatest trick in military history

What the Allies did very cleverly was to make the Germans believe that the invasion would happen somewhere else, for example in Norway. Or in Calais. They constantly tried to throw sand in their eyes. For example, by camouflaging tanks as trucks. Or to disguise jeeps as tanks. Even the British film industry was used to make fake decors. In fact, it was a magician who was at the head of this deception operation. Quite an interesting story within this story. Jasper Maskelyne was a professional illusionist, coming from a long line of magicians. He wanted to use his skills to fight the Nazi's: if he could deceive people in the theater, while in the bright spotlight and having their undivided attention, then why not succeed in deceiving the Germans observers who would be a mile or more away? He proved his worth in the 1941 Allied campaign in North Africa, when he succeeded in conning the Germans spectacularly. With the help of artists, prop makers, an engineer and even a chemist ( The A-team), he managed to cover the city of Alexandria in complete darkness. Then they built a mock up version of Alexandria with self planted lights, three miles down the coast in no man's land. Fooling the German bombers into attacking an empty bay instead of the real city. They also made jeeps look like tanks (with fake material built around it), and tanks like trucks. Creating a fake army and making the Germans think (from air) that the Allied Forces would attack from the south instead of the north. And then his ideas were used to further strategic use. They used his help to hide the real landing site for the invasion of Europe in Normandy, by creating a fake one. They make the Germans believe that the invasion will in fact happen at Calais. With the help of Maskelyne, a fake army is built on the English mainland near the Channel of Calais, with fake buildings, fake landing crafts, fake inflatable tanks and fake army material. They invited a real war officer, hoping that German spies and intelligence would pick up on it, and hoping that German planes would spot it, which they did. Germany thought the Allies were building up for an invasion in that area, when in fact it never existed, and in the months before D-Day the Germans moved most of its feared tank divisions and much of the infantry up north, towards Calais. 150 miles away from the real site of attack. And the few tanks that were in the area weren't used, because the Fuhrer was a notorious late sleeper, and nobody dared to wake him up that morning. With him being the only one who could order the tanks into action, there were none. Allies later claimed that had even a couple of tanks been used by the Germans, it would have wiped the American soldiers at Omaha Beach back into the sea without a doubt. Now, only 1 division with about 600 men was left behind in Omaha Beach... And if it had stayed that way, most of the Allied soldiers would have come out of D-Day alive...

Unfortunately, a certain Erwin Rommel spoiled that party. He was the commander of all German defenses on the north French coast. He was a boogieman for the Allies; a frighteningly able and brilliant commander with a vast amount of experience, and the creepy ability to get into the opponents mind. He had fought in the desert, with minimal resources, and defeated the Allies time after time. He was not just any military, but quite an unorthodox one, playing the violin, loving his dachshund Ajax and he loved taking photographs. But most of all he was a master strategist. And when he visited the Omaha Beach site half a year before the Invasion, he did not like what he saw. Soldiers acting as if they were on holiday there, clean cut beaches without any defense works up. In fact, he got one of his infamous revelations there, while looking out over the sea. He was struck by the similar outlay of it, compared to a certain Italian beach: Salerno. The beach where the Allies successfully started their invasion of Italy the year prior. It was an amphibian assault that surprised the Germans. And the beaches struck him as very similar indeed: both have the same broad sand strips, the same gradual curve to the shoreline. Both have a shallow gradient, ideal from landing craft approaching the beach. The exact type of features which the Allies might choose again when invading France, he thought. As a result he whipped his men into shape quickly and heavily reinforced the beach. Bunkers became fortifications, 3700 obstacles were placed on the beach. And many experienced troops were sent there too, doubling the forces there to 1200. His transition from quiet beach to stronghold has most definitely contributed to the gigantic human losses during D-Day. Yet, Rommel acted on a feeling. A hunch. There was no intelligence on the specifics of this Invasion That the Allies have been able to keep the exact location of the landing secret for so long is almost a miracle. Even when the first ships appeared off the Normandy coast, the Germans did not sound a big alarm. had they had a 100 Rommels, it would have panned out differently, but given that they had only one, the Germans as a whole thought it was a diversion for the real Calais invasion. The invasion started around 6:00 am, but Hitler was only woken up in the middle of the morning, and around noon they were still not sure that the invasion had really begun. Operation Overlord became a success and heralded the liberation of the whole of Europe. An incredible achievement. Such a complex and large mission cannot be practiced. They had to think out everything at the drawing board, and everything had to go right in one go.

 

Songs of the day

    

   

June 5th 2019

I finished the Ted Bundy Tapes, I loved it. Very well made and it was edited in a marvelous way. It is unlike the movie made about Ted recently, with a great Zac Efron; Conversations with a Killer: The Ted Bundy tapes is a documentary in 4 parts. It zooms in on his life and all his victims, and its not graphic in imagery but very graphic in what is told about everything. They used real life audio tape recordings from Ted, real life footage from him, video material from the 70's and early 80's showing the streets, campuses, the police work at the time. It's a trip down in time. What becomes most clear of all, is that the concept of the Serial Killer didn't exist yet around the start of the 1970's when Ted began. And he moved states too over the course of his murder spree, and since the police force was organized per state at the time and had virtually no communication with other states, Oregon and Utah and Colorado and Florida all thought at some point that the killings had stopped, or that the killer died or something, not realizing that he had just changed states. It took years and years before they realized they had completely similar murder cases going on, even the looks of these women were eerily similar; slim, brunettes mostly, same type of face and beauty. Just gobsmacking in today's time with DNA data banks and inline information sharing etc... What also stood out in the documentary was the way in which Ted unraveled in the court room with his hypo-maniacal narcissism on full display was so interesting to witness. And the judge he faced was still allowed in those days (80's) to be so un-PC. I loved that too. He just flat out sent Ted to the electrical chair and then right after said how he wished him truly the best. And he expressed things in a way that showed us that he really seemed to like Ted in some way as well; he called him bright and said that he could imagine that he could have seen him in the courtroom as a good lawyer, had he chosen another path in life. I could relate to that, it crossed my mind too while seeing Ted in his element in the court room. Granted, he made a mess of his own defense lol, but he had the swagger and the intelligence for it probably. He also was quite a (frightening) enigma as he was quite funny also, very charming and had a distinct own, intellectual almost, view on the world. I suppose that is what makes him 'famous' (infamous) until this day, that combination of evil madness monster with the gentleman's demeanor in public. A frightening man. You could tell that the judge was intrigued by it as well. But of course, with 30+ victims and the beastly obsession to kill, this monster had to go. But imagine a judge saying something like that in this day and age.... he'd be hounded by the social justice warriors and the press.

June 1st 2019

My skin has been doing not all too bad. I still have some hours in the day when I flush no matter what it seems, which is usually around 18:00 PM. I think it is due to the body core temperature then rising a little bit (in general with everybody) and I tend to start cooking dinner too around then which never helps. The temperatures have been soaring too here lately, so I have started using the airconditioning again, in the bedroom at night but if need be also in the rest of the house. Until now it has been relatively cool so I cannot complaint this year. Last year(s) it was already super warm in April and May. I pretty much allowed for a layer of dead skin to build up on my cheeks, which upon close inspection does look like... just that haha. A layer of dead skin. But from a step or more distance, you don't see it and it just looks like upper skin in a normal skin colour. Someone else may think I have sun pigmentation perhaps, but what it does for me is allowing my skin to look less red and more yellow. It puts a layer over the redness, it masks some of the flushing and it makes my skin less sensitive. It just needs to go at some point and my skins barrier function is not as it should be. So I'll need to scrub it off myself eventually. Which is then followed by at least 3 weeks or super red, thin, reactive, burning hot skin :(  So I'm not looking forward to that. Instead I now peel off some dead skin flakes here and there, but not too much. And am trying to do all this in stages. If that makes sense. It's so weird that I sometimes wonder if anyone else out there has this same thing going on.. Crazy anecdote; when I was 22 or so (will be 40 this year!! Ohhh myyyy gaaawd) I had this same thing already going on. I still used a moisturizer at the time, one for sensitive skin from Biotherm, and I would also have this dead skin cell build up at some point. But I didn't realize it really. And I was at the bus stop and an older man was standing next to me, in the bright day light, and started chatting. And then he said: "Do you have some skin condition perhaps? Your skin looks like reptile skin!" I got so red and embarrassed! Got on the bus, started fretting, got off at the next stop and rushed back home. Then saw what he meant when looking in the mirror in the daylight (instead of the bathroom) and scrubbed my whole skin clean. Flushing and redness for weeks of course.. (phot is a close up..).

Also had friends staying over for over a week. Which was a lot of fun, let's start stating that. But it also was very long.. I'm happy as a fish with the house to myself and my own time and head space to do the things I like to do, so to speak. People staying over is fun for some days but then I want my own space back. I find it tiring to entertain others, or have long nights with meals and conversations. One night of that a week is more than enough for me, but with people staying over a week+ I more or less need to be 'on' all the time. And then there is the rosacea on top. I have my own way of living with it, but despite having grown used to that for 20 years by now, I still don't feel comfortable about letting others see that. So in this case; I will not get out my ventilator during dinner, simply because there are people there who may find it strange. So I rather burn up and be in pain than to adjust the room to my needs. Hence, being relieved when everyone is gone again haha. My mum tells me regularly; DON'T do that! Don't accustom to the rest of the world. You're nearly 40 years of age now, it's time you stick up for what you need and to let others take that into account, if you were in need of extra oxygen and needed an oxygen tank on your back, would you apologize for it? Or take it off, just because it looks better? No. This is who you are and this is what you have, medically speaking, so just let people work around that, not the other way around. Put that ventilator on the table and open the window when you need fresh air. I am glad with my mother saying things like that. But sometimes I do get away with 'normal living'. Just drinking cold water with ice cubes while having dinner with others. It does feel like a victory then at the end of the night, that I could just sit it through without coldpacks or ventilator. I hope for that always but some days I just get super red and on fire very quickly without them. What didn't help either last week was that the weather was more or less perfect for me; around or below 20 degrees Celsius, clouded, cool breeze. Just perfect. But one of the guests is an older artist and eccentric man and he is very thin. And ageing plus no body fat results in his case in feeling cold all the time. Yeh, great combination with me haha, who is always feeling too warm. I have had him over in the past some times too and after that winter visits were abolished, so to speak. Because he wanted the fireplace on and sit right next to it all the time, whereas my rosacea flares badly from indoor heat. So end of May seemed a safe time period... Nope. Even with 20 degrees outside he is cold, so the fire place was on some evenings and afternoons now too. I was working upstairs with the window open during those times, but after 4 days I needed to have a heart to heart with him about it. He just didn't realize how indoor heating makes my face burn. He knows I have "a skin condition" but as usual; despite me telling people about this specifically and explicitly and despite my mind being nearly 24/7 conscious of my skin's needs, other people pretty much take it for a fact and forget about it again. Which also works like that when you are thinking that the rest of the world is looking at you and your skin, and is thinking alll sorts of things about it. No.. most of the time, people are only preoccupied with themselves and their own things in life. May that be a reassurance :)  Only in my case it means I need to repeat and re-explain my rosacea now and then. Which I don't want to really, I don't want to put any emphasis on it, and rather pretend I am completely 'normal' and that it is all no big deal. Only the people I have lived with in my life, lived together with I mean, know truly what it entails and how draining rosacea (in my case a constantly burning hot skin) really is.

And then there was the alcohol thing... I never used to drink that much but in my teenage years and student days I did like to go out dancing with friends and drinking alcohol. In the student days I already had a flushing problem, but certain types of alcohol were less bad for me than others. White whine was usually ok, vodka too. In the places we went at night we could also order a large cocktail (flower bucket size) with many straws in them to share within the group. I was OK with that drink too. So when we went dancing in rumba dance cafe's or places with alternative music or pop music, I'd always be able to join the rest and get loose a bit. I need that to be able to dance without feeling self conscious, and to snap out of the observation modus. But nowadays, I have zero tolerance towards alcohol, unfortunately. Even white wine diluted with water and ice is giving me huge red flushing flares. It's simply not worth it anymore, and I am not going to dance parties anymore either, so well. But of course the people around me do like a drink. Which is fine. But this past week there was heavy drinking every day, starting during copious lunches and continuing into the evening. By day 3 of this I was already fed up with it. The other friend being the artist type, he drinks a minimum of one bottle of wine a day, but usually two. And when it is a particularly enjoyable day, there is no limit. Now, I am not the alcohol police and only notice the excess through peoples behaviour; not by checking their alcohol consumption. But it puts a strain on friends coming over, to be honest. And there is always an excuse for it (nice weather! Nice company! Hey its holiday!) and me of course drinking zilch, they just keep going. When you drink along, you all slide in a similar pace into a happy, churting mood, and you all drift off together into corniness. But with one staying dramatically sober, the rest only appear to become increasingly more loud, obnoxious and sometimes even rude. There's no point by then debating topics you may have a difference of opinion on, as it always escalates with a drunk person.

Hehe my fellow rosacea friend wrote me back about this: "Plz forgive my laughter.. in any language. Here we have a saying “fish and guests stink after 3 days.”  Perhaps it is a Japanese motto we have adopted. Having rosacea has stolen my drinking life, which was never huge, but I do love a few alcoholic drinks. And you too. Now know that it is not a part of your life which makes ( I think) the frustration level go up to be around people hooping it up. Yuk Yuk.  It’s a real loss of a part of our lives. The food, the drink, the laughing stupid jokes. I do drink distilled water with a shot of a very light white wine on ice to make me feel a part of the party. But I made huge mistake at street party a few weeks ago. Had never had a mint julep. This gal made the real thing with fresh mint. A few of those and the next week my symptoms went sky high. Skin was RED and peeling. Drinking is so universal. So those of us that are spectators to it see only the pathetic and ridiculous scenario. And sometimes the utter frustration that we can’t join in. We share also the same coping strategy on life: a little outing here and there is enough. Calm in House is calm in body. Loss of Calm structure = chaos in my body. It is maddening to be this way and it has taken X years to finally adapt to it and for me; medications. I’m finally willing to agree to consume to help me when I’m not in my happy calm predictable environment. And actually as I write this, a huge PLOP of acceptance on my part of all my limitations while the rest of the people around me are having a fun time. I hope this helps. Do you have an Aircon in another room or can you get one for a bedroom space that is just for you? A fireplace going now would have me throwing glass saucers at people like they were frisbee targets."

Lol the other day, this lovely guest knocked on my door in the morning, I was still asleep. Emergency! Could I drive him to the supermarket (fair bit away), because he needed anchovies for the lamb dish he had in mind for lunch. Now I love my sleep and once I do get up I always need some down time to cool my face after waking. So this was not a pleasant wake up call. And we'd said to him on Saturday - big shopping day - to plan ahead and get everything he'd think he needed for the week, please. That was 1,5 days ago lol. I said, do you really need anchovies for this meal? YES! I asked, what are you making then? A lamb stew. I commented that those can be made without anchovies too... No no, I didn't get it: he had seen it on a youtube recipe, it hád to be added. Grumble grumble, ok ok... So drove him there (had already been driving him around for a long time the day prior to find a tobacco place open for his cigarettes - all closed for whatever holiday it was then) and he bought what he needed and then in the kitchen he put literally the tiniest hint of anchovies in that huge lamb meat stew hahaha. You couldn't even taste it lol. One tiny anchovies was taken out of the package he bought :D Oh welll.... (reminds me to never live together with pensionados). Granted, it was a lovely meal.

Regarding the drinking, As at some point I sometimes do get irritated with the lame double tongue talking and the lack of self restraint and the 'doughyness;  as we say (meligheid); their churting mood. At the same time, I also don’t want to be that partypooper. I will try to adopt the advise from my friend Bren next time; quietly and indiscreetly distance myself as soon as I know or feel the group is getting obnoxiously drunk. Be inconspicuous and don't inflame anyone by stamping off with an angry face, just excuse myself due to tiredness/ work to do/ whatever. The problem is that we're all sitting together, eating, its a nice evening.... and you just see and feel the atmosphere changing as they all get more and more drinks in. I find it difficult to get up and go upstairs mid-dinner... Or during or just after desert.. Because I already spend quite some time upstairs to cool my face when people are over for longer periods of time. But once I notice things are going over the edge, drinking wise, I should probably just excuse me and go to bed early.. It sucks, bc I don't want that, I want to stay with the group. But not when it drags on and the rest are just blubbering on. And my face is quite vocal I suppose, my resting face looks like grumpy the cat (RIP). So imagine what a slight annoyance looks like. So best, apologise by then for being unsociable and go upstairs. After one more drink they all will have forgotten about me anyway. I probably should get the attitude of “I don’t give a fuck what you think” when it comes to situations where I don’t want to drink or don’t want to be around drinkers. In the morning I feel much better than them of course. No hangovers. But drinking for a few days straight is not that unusual for some people I suppose, unless you have high blood pressure or something.


What else.. I am watching The Ted Bundy tapes, a great Netflix series. (The original Ted Talk, you could say lol). Its very good. Bren and I have a penchant for documentaries on serial killers and air crash disasters, as I already wrote about previously I think. So I knew about Ted already, but this Netflix series (4 parts) is really very good indeed. Made with historical material, Ted's own story, taped by a journalist in the very early 1980's. They then use this historical evidence, and a lot of original footage from those days, combined with people who have been interviewed just recently about Ted and they mix it into a very gripping interesting documentary format. It all looks great. Ted is quite a unique serial killer in some ways, as the series also highlights. He's a charming creep, a smart sharply dressed student, a master manipulator. But he's just a normal guy according to himself. Its interesting. He invited this journalist into his cell around 1980 and he wanted him to make a book about him basically. I suppose he realized that he was never going to get out of jail at that point (he was eventually executed in 1989 on the electric chair). So the deal was; he was going to tell stuff and the journo was going to make him his book. But Ted was such a psychopath, he only wanted an idealized story about his upbringing; his wonderful life prior to the murders. Which he denied committing by the way. And even when detailing his youth, he lied about everything. So the journalist and his mentor quickly figured that out and in the series you also see real life youth friends saying what really happened during his childhood. He was a misfit, he was different, he didn't fit in at school, not with the kids playing in the street, he couldn't get a girlfriend; well the whole shebang basically that you see often see with serial killers like him.

Then this journalist thinks about ways to persuade Ted to start talking about the murdered women. Until then he has flat out refused to and keeps romanticizing his childhood days in the tapes that are recorded of the talks. Then the journo tricks him and says: Ted, you studied psychology. What do YOU think has happened with these murders? What sort of a person would have done that? Can you analyze what sort of a person you think has done this? From your expertise as a psychiatrist? That's the golden move, as it strokes Teds ego and at the same time allows him to talk about the murders in the third person, without admitting anything directly that can harm his case. And then he starts telling in the third person about all he thinks this killer would have been motivated by. All these recordings are used in the documentary series. Quite fascinating. In general there seems to be a new interest in these serial killers perhaps too. There are many popular podcasts at the moment about them and about crime. The new Quentin Tarantino movie will also feature Marilyn Manson and Sharon Tate for instance. No idea why suddenly the rest of the world also seems interested in the most prolific serial killers :)

   

Saw this ghastly image of the summit of Everest recently? Everest, the new bucket list destination... Everest now looking like a line-up for a buffet. The poor Sherpa's have to play for cleaning ladies often to clean up after these climbers and pick up their plastic food wrappers, used oxygen tanks and excrement. My dad (ever the nuanced guy) said about it: The whole troop should actually crash from that mountain. Then maybe this sad sight of this climbing crowd will stop. What a madness to climb a mountain like that. Quite something... I've read several mountaineering books in the past, the best one was Into Thin Air, by John Krakauer about the 1996 Everest disaster. I honestly like K2 climbs even more, as that mountain is not accessible really to tourist wannabe climbers, with a death toll of over 25%. And it being the most difficult, dangerous climb of them all, according to many. Everest is now being climbed by what some say are unequipped, unprepared climbers, who only push others aside for the perfect selfie on the summit. About 11 climbers died last week during that traffic jam time window, and it seems shocking that Nepal has given off so many permits for climbers this year, over 300. All great for their economy and all that, but that poor mountain.

Songs of the day

   

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