There is a dinner today, this afternoon, and I am supposed to come. But I don't want to go. Older friends give a farewell party and have invited lots of other older friends. I know them all by face and from other meetings, dinners and chats, but don't feel completely comfortable around them. It is so cold here at the moment and they will have their place hot. They are older and always cold. It will be well over 20 degrees inside by now, and they have a wood stove that makes the place roasting hot. They will have endless dinner courses that I can't eat. And I haven't told most other people there about my rosacea problems. When I am alone with those two older friends I can act like I normally do without feeling too bad about it. I bring my cold packs, they have ice cubes for me, she makes special food for me with no pepper or spices, I have special water with bubbles, but with such a house full that won't be the case and even if she did, I will still feel awkward and bad for standing out from the crowd. I am not a fan of small talk today either. Been dreading this dinner for the last week actually. I promised to come and say hi when they finished their deserts. Just to show some kindness and luckily they understood when X explained the situation to them. She was even tearful he said that I would come over anyway in the end of it all. So there is no way back.. I do like that she appreciates it though, even though I feel like going to bed for the rest of the day and sulk.
The cold weather makes my skin sore and red and I hate it. I have had friends with adorable kids in the house for the last week and they are such a joy. I feel so good when there are kids here. They just care that they can stroke the cats, watch a series with me on the tele (we watched an old Southern American animation movie from my child hood (80's), called Trapito. About a scarecrow and a little bird, who is his imagination. So cute), make paintings and drawings together and they help me with all sorts of chores, as long as we make it into a game. Maybe it would have been easier if it was a nightmare to have them around. But it is a joy. I like most of all that they can be happy (and sad) from the smallest things and how looking after them takes the emphasize off my own worries and issues. I had a nightmare tonight about the crazy nanny Yoselyn Ortega who killed two angelic children in new York 3 days ago. Lulu and Leo Krim and I still see the deranged face of her in front of me and imagine what those kids must have gone through, and their parents and surviving sibling now. Like J said, 'you shouldn't read that stuff'. The only positive is that it’s so cold outside, that I can risk getting more flushed from the wind now by taking a good walk outside without getting sun burned. Am on a good skin diet too, hardly any carbs, no sweets, little calories and although I think it is helping, I am not feeling any happier either by the lack of chocolate related serotonin. And listening to Laura Marlin is the cherry on the top :( Enough wallowing, I'll go out for a bit. And luckily there is my fluffy cat Bassie.
I went at the end of the afternoon to the 'party' and it was nice to chat to the hosts in the cool aftermath during the dishes :) At least we had some time to chat then and they understood and said they were happy that I came by anyway. In the mean time the boy of our friends and these pics make me feel a bit more upbeat again