|Second year of skin trouble, using make up to cover it all.|
I don't think any normal, relaxed, problem solving partner will initially see rosacea like an impediment for a normal, exciting even relationship. No one seemed to with me at least, initially. Because why would rosy (read: red, burning) cheeks be anything more than an inconvenience? And what guy doesn't like the challenge to look after a girl he likes, when she feels a little bit off or sick? But it can bring a multi spectral challenge to the table. Or well, that was my experience at least.
Here are some interesting articles on having relationships while suffering from chronic health conditions and/or depression:
Evan Marc Katz on finding love if you are depressed (and he is brutally honest here). LINK
Meredith Goldstein gives advice on dating when you have a chronic illness. LINK
Most links also have a good deal of readers comments below them, which I usually find AS interesting as the central advice. Please scroll down this thread for links to forum topics on rosacea and relationships and dating.
When my rosacea hit I was 19 and in a sort of serious first time relationship with a nice guy. He was well educated, slightly older than me and we went on travels a lot. We also went out to dinners a few times a week and to a lot of parties. I just started at university and everything seemed great. I noticed that he was really fond of me and proud as well. He commented me a lot on my looks, but more so we shared a real passion for travels, study and for endless discussions. It was a good time. When I started to get unexplained burning and flushing, and all the troubles that I described in the first posts began, he tried to be helpful and flexible. He felt for me and I could see that he felt helpless most of the time. I could sleep with the window open at night, but he did moan about it a bit with time and wanted to sleep in separate beds, with extra blankets. He initially went with me to health shops to look for 'allergy' free foods, but that soon became a bit of a bore and a hassle. I never drank much, but even one glass of white wine would tip my flushing off the scale now. So I started to avoid that as well. The restaurants we went to came more or less under scrutiny. Spices were a problem and because I had no clue what was going on with my skin, I just wanted to avoid any allergy related food item all together. No more tomatoes, garlic, spices and cheese for me.
I went from bubbly and cheerful and relatively care free to the worrying type who was occupied with solving the riddle about the red face and skin rashes most of all. More than focusing on studies even. Anyone here familiar with rosacea and flares might know that the triggers can be anywhere; sun, heat, perfumes, chemicals, food items, stress, too cold/too hot, emotions. It's overwhelming. I hád to solve this and my general interest narrowed down because of that as well. I liked to talk about it a lot and got anxious over it. Not only because my skin looked red but far more so because it felt on fire. But there were also periods when I felt good again. When I avoided my triggers for instance. A recipe for manic obsession, back in those early days, these constant fluctuations and uncertainty about what triggered them exactly.
Needless to say perhaps that all this had some effect on the relationship. Before, I used to care about other, more interesting things like my studies, movies, books, music, the Middle East problems, religion or the American elections, you name it basically, but all that was of lesser importance now. And soon I realized that to him, I was perhaps becoming a bit like music record that got stuck somewhere half ways, and he politely kept listening but I didn't really reach him anymore. I could almost see him thinking: where did the old her go and what the heck... Of course that made me feel even worse.
Some days he would come over and take me on a car ride through the countryside. Listening to music, talking a bit, just, driving in the middle of nowhere. Simple but a lot of fun, very relaxing. We still traveled a lot or went out for meals. But it was not working out after 4 years. He is a restless type who was always traveling or working, he lived in different cities at some point. By the time we called it quits he had already lived in Paris for 6 months and was then living in Amsterdam, about 300 km away from my home town. I at least was doing a bit better again by then, rebuilt my life a bit and saw it was going nowhere steady with him either, neither from my side. Despite the great fondness and all that. We're still amicable.
|During holiday Turkey|
When we were back home, things didn't improve, and got worse instead. I was still stressed, bf 2 was pretty annoyed by now with it, understandably, and said that he didn't recognize his girlfriend in me anymore. What was I on about? Why was I wallowing in this? The moisturizer I used to use (Biotherm sensitive skin) started to burn and when I changed it into something milder from the health shop, things got even worse and I had bright red flushing about half of the time now. When my face was less red, it still felt very painful and tight and like I had acid poured on it. I visited the GP and she said I looked healthy and that there are many people with rosy cheeks and to live with it. I was upset, tried to explain how it wasn't the look of it that bothered me so much, but the constant burning and throbbing and sensation of intense heat in my face. She brushed it off and I sobbed a bit, as my dad sat next to me, also unable to get through to her. I tried all sorts of creams, thinking now that I would be back to calm skin again as soon as I found the right moisturizer. At some point my mum thought I was only making it worse by all the experimenting. I literally went to every make up shop in town for tests for moisturizers, explaining that I needed something as neutral as possible. Everything made me glow beyond cuteness. Going out to fun places became a nightmare, I brought cold packs with me to cool my face or even the small mini fans that bf 2. bought for me. They made such noise that it seemed as if I was about to take off in a plane. All of that could have been funny, perhaps, but I was failing fairly miserably to be the same joyful person to others as before. It wasn't the way it looked at that point, if it ever even has been about that, it was the constant sensation of burning and the heat that every flush brought, and me wanting to go out and cool instead of being in a warm bar. Everyone sees you struggling, on top. It's visible that I have a red face, am uncomfortable about it and that felt like a huge pressure to me. Especially compared to my normal self, much more spontaneous and fun loving and upbeat. I thought that talking to people about it would help, but it didn't really. Bf 2 went from caring to irritated and on edge fairly quickly. He would get really upset with me, saying I had to get myself together. Although he also helped where he could and said later that it just took some time for him to understand what was going on, and how he could help me get on with things. How to be supportive. That really changed for the better with time. But at this point, early staged still, I was told by him there were a million things that would be worse and millions of people worse off and that I was totally obsessed. Which was all true. But nothing about that made it easier to deal with the reality of that burned up face.
I had to stop looking in the mirror. Also, by focusing on it so much, I was only making matters worse he felt. I should do yoga and get some control over my mind, because then I could control the pain too. Perhaps I could meditate the pain away? I could smoke weed and perhaps that would help me relax and take the pain away? I didn't feel like that at all and when I did smoke it, just to show him that I was taking his advice seriously, I flushed violently all night from it.
I know now what he was saying and what he meant and that he was even right in some ways. From his perspective, this wasn't such a big deal. But others usually can't feel what sort of pain you go through. And then the discussion quickly gets narrowed down to the way it looks.
In time bf.2 started to see how much pain I had and that his way of approaching it resulted only in us fighting constantly and drifting apart. He spent more time alone with his friends, I withdrew myself more, he drank and smoked more. I resented him for all the things he didn't understand and apart from that there were many other factors at play which were not related to the rosacea. We broke up for a while, tried it again for a while, but it didn't work out.
|During holiday in Turkey|
To cut the details and go fast forward; after a good start, things became strained soon enough. I couldn't really fit into his idea of a gf. I felt that as soon as the novelty wore off for him, the rosacea did become a problem, again. He didn't like how I wanted the window open, even during the winter. Although he really courted me for some time, he started to feel uneasy when we went somewhere together and I brought my cold packs. Or didn't eat normally, like the rest of the group. From my part, I started to feel locked up and down when around him.
In December of 2004 my middle sister, the one with the endless patience and care for me and my skin, died very unexpectedly of an appendicitis. The doctors overlooked it. We were all in shock. January of 2005 I had the IPL with Dr. Patterson that went so terribly wrong, as written down before. Bf. 3 was even less supportive and caring after that. To cut the crap, it didn't work out, not a great match nor a great experience.
Luckily ever since I had much better experiences with relationships and men but those are for another, happier chapter.
On a side note:
For all the male rosaceans here there is a shimmer of hope when it comes to dating:
"Most people would expect a ruddy face to turn off the opposite sex, but a new study claims women actually find redness sexy. According to researchers at the University of Nottingham, rosey facial skin in male monkeys, birds and fish has long been associated with mate selection and dominance - but they've now discovered red-faced men, such as Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson, are equally appealing to potential partners. 'We have shown that increased redness enhances the appearance of dominance, aggression and attractiveness in men's faces viewed by female participants,' said co-author Ian D. Stephen." Etc
Update: Ok, too red is not good:
"He said a male face which is red is attractive to women because it suggests good health and fitness. However, the findings show excessive redness makes men appear angry and aggressive in the eyes of women.'Very high levels of redness increase perceived aggression to the detriment of attractiveness,' Mr Stephen said. 'These differences may reflect a trade-off between the benefits to females of choosing a healthy, dominant male and the costs of associating with an aggressive partner.'
In the study, women were allowed to manipulate the facial colour of computer pictures of men to make them as attractive, dominant or aggressive as possible, and most increased the redness to boost these qualities.
As the face gets redder it is increasingly attractive to women because it is an indication of testosterone, good health and fitness, as there is more oxygen in the blood. But it can soon tip over in to aggression and, in extreme cases, anger."
Here are some rosacea forum topics about relationships and dealing with rosacea:
*Rosacea and relationships (LINK)
*Rosacea and dating (LINK)
*Dating/relationships and rosacea (LINK)
*Rosacea and relationships, advice? (LINK)
*Seb derm and dating (LINK)
*Dating for rosaceans (LINK)